'And' Instead of 'But'

In a recent parenting group we had a conversation around the use of the word ‘and’ as opposed to the word ‘but' in certain situations. For example, “You really want my attention right now. And, I am already in a conversation. You can hold my hand and wait quietly until I am finished.” Or “I can see that you don’t like my decision. And right now it is time to get ready to leave. Do you want to put your shoes on here or in the car?”

After the group I was thinking that by using the word ‘and’, we are acknowledging the reality that there are 2 experiences being had. The child is having their experience and the adult is having their experience. Using the word ‘and’ allows us to say that we acknowledge and accept both realities. And… as the adult… we might have to set a limit or be in charge of the direction that is happening next. We are doing this, however, by accepting the reality that the child is feeling something different. If we use the word ‘but’ then we are saying, “I know you feel that way. But this is the real truth.” “You really want my attention right now. But I am already in a conversation. You can wait.” You want my attention, but that isn’t important. All that is important is that I am already talking and you can wait.

This subtle nuance is a way to practice kindness and firmness at the same time. We can be firm by stating and sticking to a limit. We can be kind in our tone of voice, a non-judgmental attitude, and by acknowledging the child’s reality and saying ‘Yes’ to what they’re feeling or experiencing even if we have to say ‘No’ to a behavior.

I'd love to hear other thoughts about this topic.

Reflective Communication and Emotion Coaching

Spring Parenting Group: Group 4

Reflective Communication: Actively Listening and Acknowledging Feelings

Feelings are a means of communicating and not a problem to be fixed. To support a child’s healthy social and emotional development, it is important to look beyond his or her behavior to the feeling that is being communicated. Attending to your child in this way will help the child experience, recognize and trust his or her own feelings.

Reflective Communication:

• Demonstrates parent’s interest in the child
• Provides children with labels for their feelings, helping them to now how to talk about feelings and increasing their ability to express emotions in constructive ways
• Communicates acceptance of the child’s feelings and needs
• Helps children accept themselves – When they feel accepted by their parents they then internalize the sense of accepting themselves
• Provides structure so the child feels in control
• Is a way of following, rather than leading
• Allows children an opportunity to clarify any misunderstanding the parents have of the child’s intentions or feelings
• Communicates the message:
• I am here
• I hear you
• I understand
• I care

NOT:

• I always agree
• I must make you happy
• I will solve your problems
  

Your Attention in Powerful. Your Reflective Attention is Empowering.

To acknowledge feelings:

1. Listen quietly and with your full attention.

2. Acknowledge that you are listening to them with a word (it can also be a grunt or moan that mirrors the emotional tone of what they are sharing!)
Oh… mmmm…I see…

3. Give their feelings a name.
You feel angry. You’re confused that she said that. You’re excited.

For children over 7 you can give their feeling a name in the form of a question or an I-wonder statement.
Were you angry? I wonder if you were confused. Are you thrilled that that happened?

How Adults Stop Children's Feelings

From the article Children's Feelings By Deborah Critzer

"Some of the ways which we as parents unknowingly stop feelings in children are:
Rescuing,Punishing, Solving the Problem, Moralizing, Denial, Humiliating, Pitying, Lecturing

Some ways to encourage feelings are:
Be Empathetic, Validate Feelings, Identify Feelings, Listen Intently, Be Curious, Invite Expression of Feelings"

Read the article to find out what kinds of effects the feeling stoppers have on children and to see examples of how to encourage feelings.

Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
from John Gottman, Ph.D. and Talaris Research Institute

Step 1 - Emotional Awareness

Step 2 - Recognizing Emotions As An Opportunity For Intimacy And Teaching

Step 3 - Listening Empathetically And Validating The Child's Feelings

Step 4 - Labeling Emotions

Step 5 - Setting Limits While Helping the Child Problem-Solve


Suggested Reading from Parenting Group Information CD

Reflective and Empowering Communication

• Reflective Communication/ Acknowledging Feelings
• Strengthening Relationships Through Respectful Communication
• Empowering Communication Ideas
• Questions and Cautions about Reflective Communication
• Praise and Encouragement
• Teaching Children Skills

Articles about Feelings and Communication

• Children’s Feelings
• The Perils and Promises of Praise or How Not To Talk To Your Kids
  
• I Feel Your Brain
• Secrets of Parenting

What is Happening Beneath the Surface?

Spring Parenting Group: Group 3

A lot of time with kids is spent trying to get them to do various things, to care about various things, to learn various things. “I want you to be this way, doing this.”

A powerful key to meaningful interactions with children is being able to meet the child where he or she is. Can we notice what’s happening with the child that is in front of us? Can we focus on them and discover what they are trying to communicate to us?

A Person is Like an Iceberg

“[Virginia Satir] compared the person to an iceberg, in that only a small part of him or her was observable or apparent, while the largest part was invisible, hidden under water. When we do not know a person, we are only aware of the visible part, while the most important aspects of knowing a person deal with understanding the hidden layers, where each of us spends most of our time. We need to understand yearnings, expectations, feelings, perceptions, and coping mechanisms of a person to have access to his or her self.”

~ Michele Baldwin in The Use of Self in Therapy

It can be easy to notice and respond (react) to a child's behaviors and words. And if that is all we pay attention to, we miss the opportunity to teach them that their inner world, their thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, are real and able to be experienced by other human beings. We help children to better know and understand themselves by listening deeply to what is being communicated beneath the surface and reflecting that back to them. We help them understand their inner world by noticing their inner world and letting them know that we are willing and able to connect with them there. This helps to build strong and trusting relationships.

Development
Understanding development helps us look closer at what is happening beneath the surface.

Robert Kegan says, “If you want to understand another person in some fundamental way you must know where that person is in his or her evolution.” The Evolving Self p. 113

Development Resources
On CD:

• Kegan – Piaget Development
• Kegan Stages Illustrations

In the Packet:

• from the book Yardsticks
• from the book How Much is Enough?

The author of Yardsticks also writes regularly about development and other school related topics at his blog.

Hear See Love, Positive Disciline, Emotion Coaching

Spring Parenting Group: Group 2

The Hizzle (Hearing, Seeing, Loving)

“All people want and need to be Heard, Seen and Loved” (HSL).

— In That Order —

When the HSL need is thwarted — mischief occurs.

This is a teaching that the Dalai Lama shared with Mark Jones in 2001. Since then Jones has been observing the outcomes of when individuals do not feel heard, seen or loved. He invites others to experiment with what happens when we Hizzle (HSL) ourselves and others. What happens when we make a conscious effort to Hear, See and Love?

Jones has observed that when people do not feel heard, they respond by shouting or becoming deafeningly silent. If they do not feel seen, the may bully and/or intimidate or become shy and/or hide. When individuals do not feel loved they express a “Come Here — Go Away” isolating type of dynamic, wanting to be close and connected and then wanting to push away and express disconnection.

We have the opportunity to notice when someone else is not feeling heard, seen or loved and/or to notice when we are not feeling heard, seen or loved. From there, we have the ability to make a different choice and to take the time and energy to Hizzle ourselves and others.

Have you had an experience of feeling heard, seen or loved recently? If so and you have a moment to share, please do so in the comments below.

Click here to read more about the Hizzle for Children.

Positive Discipline
In last week's Parenting Group we also explored foundational elements of Positive Discipline, reflecting on how all behavior has a purpose and the goal of behavior is belonging (a sense of connection) and meaning (a feeling of significance). As one parent pointed out, the way to experience belonging and significance is to feel Heard, Seen and Loved.

We looked at a matrix of Kindness and Firmness, exploring parenting styles and focusing on a way that has a lot of kindness and a lot of firmness at the same time; showing dignity and respect to all humans while supporting children by setting limits and knowing when to adapt those limits. We stressed the importance of mutual respect -- respecting ourselves and respecting the other.

We reflected on the Perception Cycle, recognizing that people are continually making decisions based on how they perceive the world.

An excellent resource is Jane Nelson's Blog, Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelson. As I'm publishing this, her top entry is Morning Power Struggles (Again).

What We Do When Children's Emotions Run Hot

“In my research I discovered that love by itself wasn’t enough to become a good parent. Very concerned, warm, and involved parents often had attitudes toward their own and their children’s emotions that got in the way of being able to talk to their children when they were sad or afraid or angry. While love by itself was not enough, channeling that caring into some basic skills that parents practice as if they were coaching their children in the area of emotion, was enough. The secret lay in how parents interacted with their children when emotions ran hot.”
~From the Preface of Dr. Gottman’s book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

How one feels about feelings can predict significant elements of parenting styles.

In group we explored feelings that we don't really like, that make us uncomfortable... especially when children are experiencing them.

Visit here for more information on John Gottman's work and Emotion Coaching.

Reccomended Reading:
From CD

• What is Positive Discipline Article
• Understanding Behavior
• Article: Secrets of Parenting
  

From Packet

• Kindness and Firmness
• Vocabulary of Feeling Words

Artwork at the top of the page is by by Jessica, Age 8 from the What Does Compassion Look Like Campaign.

Spring Parenting Group: Group 1

I will be using this website to update parents about the recommended reading material and online resources that compliment a face-to-face Parenting Group that is happening through May 14th.

Parenting Group: March 19, 2008

We explored our intentions for the group, group agreements (norms for how we wish to be together) and "What We Wish Someone Had Taught Us." Here is a list of what some past parents had wished they had be taught.

We talked about various elements of the brain. I mentioned some of the work of Jill Bolte Taylor. You can view her talk in the video below. We discussed how a challenge is to use both halves of our brain... to stay in the present moment, be attentive to what is happening right now with ourselves and the child. At the same time, we can be be noticing the details, inquiring about motivations, recognizing our own needs and feelings, recognizing the child's needs and feelings, and choosing how to respond from the myriad of possibilities.

Here is a quote from Daniel Siegel:

"The brain is an associational organ and matches present firing patterns with those of the past. The brain is an anticipation machine - linking the present with what it expects in the future based on experiences in the past."

View the original source, a Power Point Presentation.

We ended the group with a Parents Helping Parents process, generating ideas for a particularly challenging situation that one parent brought forth.

Recommended Reading from the CD

• Breathing Room story
• Responding Consciously and Compassionately
• Resources for Caring Adults: Supporting Social and Emotional Well-being
• Understanding Behavior Through the Adlerian Approach

Brain Info found on the CD

• Brain in Hand
• Mirror Neurons

If you have time and interest, please also take a moment to look through the other reading materials and if there is information that it is important for you that we cover during our group, please let me know.

Thanks.

Age Appropriate Skills for Children

Here's a little article that I wrote for my school's Alumi Newsletter.

Did you know that your five year old is capable of taking out the garbage or sweeping the floor, your seven year old can help change the sheets on the bed or put dishes in the dishwasher, your twelve year old can cook meals for the family or do his own laundry, and your teenager can purchase her own clothes with a budgeted clothing allowance or do heavier yard work.

Many children are denied the opportunity to contribute to their families and communities in such valuable ways. They aren’t given a chance to learn essential skills for caring for themselves and others. Well-intentioned adults do things for children that they are capable of doing for themselves. As a result, the children learn to under-function, displaying trained helplessness and learned incompetence.

In a parenting group we explored age appropriate skills that kids are capable of doing for themselves. Many parents felt the a-ha that their child was capable of taking on some new responsibilities at home. Addressing this change with their child also gave them an opportunity to apologize to their child and admit that they had made a mistake. Children love to hear when adults make mistakes. In addition, modeling making mistakes is a powerful way to help address a child’s perfectionistic tendencies.

Below is one parent’s account of how she surprised her son with an apology and gave him an opportunity to feel empowered and begin taking control of one aspect of his life.

“I had still been picking out clothes for my 8-year-old son every morning. I had tried over the last few years to get him to pick his own clothes (“just pick something – what’s the big deal – it’s just a shirt and pants – your little sister has been picking her own clothes since she was 3…”) but he always acted like it was an overwhelming task and he had no idea what to pick. It made the morning go more smoothly if I just pulled out the clothes for him. After a few parenting classes, I told him that I had learned how much kids can do at different ages. Then I told him that I owed him an apology. He straightened up, taken aback, looking very happily interested in this unusual conversation. I told him that I knew that he was capable of picking out his own clothes and had been for many years, but that I had not been giving him the chance to do this for himself, and that this wasn’t fair to him. He looked honored. The first day after this little talk, I came by and asked him if he had an idea of what he might pick to wear that day. He told me what he was thinking and I said that it sounded like a good choice. Since then, he’s just shown up at breakfast, dressed, without any fuss.”

What We'd Like to Learn

Another inspiring list generated in a recent parenting group:

What we wish someone had taught us:

• Listen from the perspective of who you are communicating with.
• How to calm yourself when agitated or stressed.
• How to spell!
• How to be empathic and careful and conscious of the consequences of words.
• Be present – in the moment you’re in.
• Encourage first, teach second.
• How to sort through thoughts and emotions.
• How to figure out what I really want.
• That emotional intelligence is just as important as cognitive intelligence
• How to think ahead.
• How to trust your instincts/intuition.

What We Wish Someone Had Taught Us

What do you know about life? What do you know about love? What do you know about raising or educating children?

In a recent parenting group, participants took a few moments to silently reflect upon those very same questions, listening within to the knowing that emerged. Following that exploration, parents then reflected upon their own childhood and what they wish someone had taught them. They also explored qualities they would give to their children as a gift if they could. Below are their responses. May these offerings center our attention around some of the things that bring meaning and value into our lives, deepening our awareness of how we can support and encourage the wholesome development of children.

We wish someone had taught us

• The importance of showing up reliably, doing your best
• To take advantage of great opportunities
• How to turn a traumatic experience into something to grow from
• How to trust your own instincts (not override them)
• Making mistakes is important
• That I’m good enough. Self-esteem. Self-love
• You don’t have to change the world to be successful or happy
• Communicate what you feel and not what you think someone wants to hear
• Appreciate the wisdom of your parents and elders
• Appreciate the present moment rather than focusing on the future or the past
• Everything always works out
• The power of saving money and compound interest
• There’s value in being patient rather than rushing through things
• Enjoy your present company and the relationships you have
• It’s okay to be sensitive
• Empathic capabilities
• How to handle conflict
• Not to be fearful. To try
• To trust internal wisdom
• Fiscal responsibility
• Confidence
• Include yourself on your list of people you love
• A grateful heart
• Courage to go for your dreams
• Courage to accept when you don’t achieve your dreams
• Follow your bliss and enjoy life
• There are no stupid questions
• Trust your instincts

And more wishes here.

Classroom Volunteers Workshop

I offered a 1 1/2 hour workshop for parents who wish to volunteer in the classroom. Some grades made this a mandatory workshop while it was optional for others. I held mutliple day time and eveneing sessions giving parents ample opportunities to come and allowing for smaller numbers in attendence which opened for more intimate conversations. You can download the outline for the entire session as well as the handout which focuses on the differences between praise and encouragement and other empowering communication tools.

Talking to a Neighbor, Talking to Your Child

Idea from one of Marshall Rosenberg's books.

Invite a group of parents to split into two groups. Explain to each group separately that they are involved in a difficult situation such as another person lying to them, someone taking something of theres or someone being disrespectful in some way. The group is to write out a possible dialogue between themselves (the group acting as an individual) and the other person. Group 1 is told that the other person is their neighbor, Group 2 is told that the other person is their child. Compare the two different dialogues.

Question for exploration: What is your 'job' as a parent?

Importance of Self-Care for Parents and Caregivers

David D, a nurse consultant specializing in suicide and self harm, shares about his practice for processing the extreme situations that he engages at work:

My wife and I both often come home straight from some hospital trauma, have done throughout the more than two decades we've had kids. We've always made straight for each other like homing missiles and encouraged each other to unload, and the kids fully expect us to be standing or sitting together quietly rambling on for a while...! Then, romping around with the kids and the dog for a while and being as childlike as possible myself is great for switching my brain into different mode. Also, I tend to jump into trainers and go for a run, dive into the gross physical for a while, breathe fresh air and generate some endorphins. Its also made daily spiritual practice compulsory rather than an option I can drop.... Hey, occupational trauma can have lots of benefits, come to think of it.....

In parenting groups we talk at length about self-care and how we can't give to others what we don't give to ourselves. Often parents' highest wishes and intentions are to be present for, nourishing and supporting their children. And yet if the emotional tank is empty in relation to oneself, it is not possible to genuinely be deeply emotionally present for another. David's post gives concrete examples of ways to refresh and replenish

• Make contact with other humans and release excess emotional content
• Model for children the necessity of this process (self-care) and create routines where children can expect this to be the norm
• Get active and step into experiencing life that is happening now -- with the kids, the dog, the fresh air, etc.
• Play, be childlike
• Recognize what is essential for sustaining such degrees of information input (i.e. spiritual practice becoming compulsory)

David also says that he appreciates this work because:

It s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s me until I end and widens the horizons of being beyond any notion of me.

mmmmm...now that's what living is all about, eh?