Patience, Understanding, Love, Acceptance

by Kim Hix

Patience, understanding, love, acceptance are gifts we all need from each other but they are specially important for children with disabilities, of any kind. It is difficult to ignore rude, hurtful comments, to be left out and laughed at. Unfortunately this is a common childhood occurrence, however on a more frequent and constant basis for children who are different. Children who are already fragile due to any kind of illness, disability or impairment are easy targets for those who are stronger and more confidant. Self esteem is something we all have whether it be high or low, and how we perceive ourselves, abilities and worth are all too often dependant on others. My wish is that we teach our children and ourselves to accept differences and embrace the individuality that we all have, to see beyond any physical, mental or emotional challenges. If you are a parent of a "high spirited, intense child" as I am, academically, socially and emotionally challenged; you have most likely heard some of the same accusations I have from parents of "perfect " children who do no wrong, who respond to their parents every command on queue, perfectly behaved and well mannered, who excel in sports and academics. I do not harbor resentment because there child may be everything mine is not, they are simply different, with gifts that may be harder to find to others, but not to me. My hope and prayer is that the people in general open their minds and come to realize that children like mine, and millions more ,who suffer with these illnesses, are not bad kids, not evil or purposefully oppositional, but are lovable, kind, funny, smart and full of promise as is every other child. Yes,they may do things differently, loudly, extremely,and outrageously. They need to be given understanding, reassurance, patience, acceptance and compassion. My wish is that other children who feel different for any reason find hope, promise, acceptance and the gift that is within them and realize they are not alone. Mental illness is not a choice, it is not contagious, it does not make you "less than". I hope our story will open the lines of communication for parents and children, friends and neighbors to discuss and explore behavior they may not understand. My biggest hope is that children who are seeking acceptance,understanding and answers be able to find that from parents, peers, teachers and siblings and to know they are not alone in their challenges.

Kim Hix is participating in the WOW! Women on Writing Blog Tour, promoting her book No One is Perfect and YOU Are a Great Kid.

'And' Instead of 'But'

In a recent parenting group we had a conversation around the use of the word ‘and’ as opposed to the word ‘but' in certain situations. For example, “You really want my attention right now. And, I am already in a conversation. You can hold my hand and wait quietly until I am finished.” Or “I can see that you don’t like my decision. And right now it is time to get ready to leave. Do you want to put your shoes on here or in the car?”

After the group I was thinking that by using the word ‘and’, we are acknowledging the reality that there are 2 experiences being had. The child is having their experience and the adult is having their experience. Using the word ‘and’ allows us to say that we acknowledge and accept both realities. And… as the adult… we might have to set a limit or be in charge of the direction that is happening next. We are doing this, however, by accepting the reality that the child is feeling something different. If we use the word ‘but’ then we are saying, “I know you feel that way. But this is the real truth.” “You really want my attention right now. But I am already in a conversation. You can wait.” You want my attention, but that isn’t important. All that is important is that I am already talking and you can wait.

This subtle nuance is a way to practice kindness and firmness at the same time. We can be firm by stating and sticking to a limit. We can be kind in our tone of voice, a non-judgmental attitude, and by acknowledging the child’s reality and saying ‘Yes’ to what they’re feeling or experiencing even if we have to say ‘No’ to a behavior.

I'd love to hear other thoughts about this topic.

Reflective Communication and Emotion Coaching

Spring Parenting Group: Group 4

Reflective Communication: Actively Listening and Acknowledging Feelings

Feelings are a means of communicating and not a problem to be fixed. To support a child’s healthy social and emotional development, it is important to look beyond his or her behavior to the feeling that is being communicated. Attending to your child in this way will help the child experience, recognize and trust his or her own feelings.

Reflective Communication:

• Demonstrates parent’s interest in the child
• Provides children with labels for their feelings, helping them to now how to talk about feelings and increasing their ability to express emotions in constructive ways
• Communicates acceptance of the child’s feelings and needs
• Helps children accept themselves – When they feel accepted by their parents they then internalize the sense of accepting themselves
• Provides structure so the child feels in control
• Is a way of following, rather than leading
• Allows children an opportunity to clarify any misunderstanding the parents have of the child’s intentions or feelings
• Communicates the message:
• I am here
• I hear you
• I understand
• I care

NOT:

• I always agree
• I must make you happy
• I will solve your problems
  

Your Attention in Powerful. Your Reflective Attention is Empowering.

To acknowledge feelings:

1. Listen quietly and with your full attention.

2. Acknowledge that you are listening to them with a word (it can also be a grunt or moan that mirrors the emotional tone of what they are sharing!)
Oh… mmmm…I see…

3. Give their feelings a name.
You feel angry. You’re confused that she said that. You’re excited.

For children over 7 you can give their feeling a name in the form of a question or an I-wonder statement.
Were you angry? I wonder if you were confused. Are you thrilled that that happened?

How Adults Stop Children's Feelings

From the article Children's Feelings By Deborah Critzer

"Some of the ways which we as parents unknowingly stop feelings in children are:
Rescuing,Punishing, Solving the Problem, Moralizing, Denial, Humiliating, Pitying, Lecturing

Some ways to encourage feelings are:
Be Empathetic, Validate Feelings, Identify Feelings, Listen Intently, Be Curious, Invite Expression of Feelings"

Read the article to find out what kinds of effects the feeling stoppers have on children and to see examples of how to encourage feelings.

Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
from John Gottman, Ph.D. and Talaris Research Institute

Step 1 - Emotional Awareness

Step 2 - Recognizing Emotions As An Opportunity For Intimacy And Teaching

Step 3 - Listening Empathetically And Validating The Child's Feelings

Step 4 - Labeling Emotions

Step 5 - Setting Limits While Helping the Child Problem-Solve


Suggested Reading from Parenting Group Information CD

Reflective and Empowering Communication

• Reflective Communication/ Acknowledging Feelings
• Strengthening Relationships Through Respectful Communication
• Empowering Communication Ideas
• Questions and Cautions about Reflective Communication
• Praise and Encouragement
• Teaching Children Skills

Articles about Feelings and Communication

• Children’s Feelings
• The Perils and Promises of Praise or How Not To Talk To Your Kids
  
• I Feel Your Brain
• Secrets of Parenting

Giving Information Rather Than Nagging

Personal account from a parent (not me!)

A couple weeks ago we were playing outside after school. I was talking with other Moms and my child rode by on a scooter—he’d taken his socks off and was having fun telling us, “I don’t have my socks on!” as he zoomed back and forth.

It was freezing and I called to him a few times to “Put your socks on!” He didn’t. Then, having just read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk the evening before, I tried, a few minutes later, walking over to him when he was by himself quietly playing in the wood chips. Looking in his eyes I said simply “It’s cold and you don’t have your shoes on.” He didn’t say anything but immediately walked over and put his shoes on. It was amazing!

The Peril of Praise

This New York Magazine article, How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise has been making its way through the email circuit. I found it to be a great article, well worth the read if you are involved in the lives of children (and adults!). Also, here is a handout that you can download that complements this article.

For a few decades, it's been noted that a large percentage of all gifted students (those who score in the top 10 percent on aptitude tests) severely underestimate their own abilities. Those afflicted with this lack of perceived competence adopt lower standards for success and expect less of themselves. They underrate the importance of effort, and they overrate how much help they need from a parent.

[In a research study, fifth-grade students were] randomly divided into groups, some were praised for their intelligence. They were told, "You must be smart at this." Other students were praised for their effort: "You must have worked really hard."

Dweck had suspected that praise could backfire, but even she was surprised by the magnitude of the effect. "Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control," she explains. "They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child's control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure."

[In another study, students were taught] that the brain is a muscle. Giving it a harder workout makes you smarter. That alone improved their math scores.

Baumeister has come to believe the continued appeal of self-esteem is largely tied to parents' pride in their children's achievements: It's so strong that "when they praise their kids, it's not that far from praising themselves."

What would it mean, to give up praising our children so often? Well, if I am one example, there are stages of withdrawal, each of them subtle. In the first stage, I fell off the wagon around other parents when they were busy praising their kids. I didn't want Luke to feel left out. I felt like a former alcoholic who continues to drink socially. I became a Social Praiser.

These are only some scattered clips... there's much more in the article!!

Talking to a Neighbor, Talking to Your Child

Idea from one of Marshall Rosenberg's books.

Invite a group of parents to split into two groups. Explain to each group separately that they are involved in a difficult situation such as another person lying to them, someone taking something of theres or someone being disrespectful in some way. The group is to write out a possible dialogue between themselves (the group acting as an individual) and the other person. Group 1 is told that the other person is their neighbor, Group 2 is told that the other person is their child. Compare the two different dialogues.

Question for exploration: What is your 'job' as a parent?