March 30, 2008

Hear See Love, Positive Disciline, Emotion Coaching

Spring Parenting Group: Group 2

The Hizzle (Hearing, Seeing, Loving)

“All people want and need to be Heard, Seen and Loved” (HSL).

— In That Order —

When the HSL need is thwarted — mischief occurs.

This is a teaching that the Dalai Lama shared with Mark Jones in 2001. Since then Jones has been observing the outcomes of when individuals do not feel heard, seen or loved. He invites others to experiment with what happens when we Hizzle (HSL) ourselves and others. What happens when we make a conscious effort to Hear, See and Love?

Jones has observed that when people do not feel heard, they respond by shouting or becoming deafeningly silent. If they do not feel seen, the may bully and/or intimidate or become shy and/or hide. When individuals do not feel loved they express a “Come Here — Go Away” isolating type of dynamic, wanting to be close and connected and then wanting to push away and express disconnection.

We have the opportunity to notice when someone else is not feeling heard, seen or loved and/or to notice when we are not feeling heard, seen or loved. From there, we have the ability to make a different choice and to take the time and energy to Hizzle ourselves and others.

Have you had an experience of feeling heard, seen or loved recently? If so and you have a moment to share, please do so in the comments below.

Click here to read more about the Hizzle for Children.

Positive Discipline
In last week's Parenting Group we also explored foundational elements of Positive Discipline, reflecting on how all behavior has a purpose and the goal of behavior is belonging (a sense of connection) and meaning (a feeling of significance). As one parent pointed out, the way to experience belonging and significance is to feel Heard, Seen and Loved.

We looked at a matrix of Kindness and Firmness, exploring parenting styles and focusing on a way that has a lot of kindness and a lot of firmness at the same time; showing dignity and respect to all humans while supporting children by setting limits and knowing when to adapt those limits. We stressed the importance of mutual respect -- respecting ourselves and respecting the other.

We reflected on the Perception Cycle, recognizing that people are continually making decisions based on how they perceive the world.

An excellent resource is Jane Nelson's Blog, Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelson. As I'm publishing this, her top entry is Morning Power Struggles (Again).

What We Do When Children's Emotions Run Hot
In my research I discovered that love by itself wasn’t enough to become a good parent. Very concerned, warm, and involved parents often had attitudes toward their own and their children’s emotions that got in the way of being able to talk to their children when they were sad or afraid or angry. While love by itself was not enough, channeling that caring into some basic skills that parents practice as if they were coaching their children in the area of emotion, was enough. The secret lay in how parents interacted with their children when emotions ran hot.
~From the Preface of Dr. Gottman’s book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
How one feels about feelings can predict significant elements of parenting styles.

In group we explored feelings that we don't really like, that make us uncomfortable... especially when children are experiencing them.

Visit here for more information on John Gottman's work and Emotion Coaching.

Reccomended Reading:
From CD
  • What is Positive Discipline Article
  • Understanding Behavior
  • Article: Secrets of Parenting
From Packet
  • Kindness and Firmness
  • Vocabulary of Feeling Words
Artwork at the top of the page is by by Jessica, Age 8 from the What Does Compassion Look Like Campaign.

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