Reflective Communication and Emotion Coaching

Spring Parenting Group: Group 4

Reflective Communication: Actively Listening and Acknowledging Feelings

Feelings are a means of communicating and not a problem to be fixed. To support a child’s healthy social and emotional development, it is important to look beyond his or her behavior to the feeling that is being communicated. Attending to your child in this way will help the child experience, recognize and trust his or her own feelings.

Reflective Communication:

• Demonstrates parent’s interest in the child
• Provides children with labels for their feelings, helping them to now how to talk about feelings and increasing their ability to express emotions in constructive ways
• Communicates acceptance of the child’s feelings and needs
• Helps children accept themselves – When they feel accepted by their parents they then internalize the sense of accepting themselves
• Provides structure so the child feels in control
• Is a way of following, rather than leading
• Allows children an opportunity to clarify any misunderstanding the parents have of the child’s intentions or feelings
• Communicates the message:
• I am here
• I hear you
• I understand
• I care

NOT:

• I always agree
• I must make you happy
• I will solve your problems
  

Your Attention in Powerful. Your Reflective Attention is Empowering.

To acknowledge feelings:

1. Listen quietly and with your full attention.

2. Acknowledge that you are listening to them with a word (it can also be a grunt or moan that mirrors the emotional tone of what they are sharing!)
Oh… mmmm…I see…

3. Give their feelings a name.
You feel angry. You’re confused that she said that. You’re excited.

For children over 7 you can give their feeling a name in the form of a question or an I-wonder statement.
Were you angry? I wonder if you were confused. Are you thrilled that that happened?

How Adults Stop Children's Feelings

From the article Children's Feelings By Deborah Critzer

"Some of the ways which we as parents unknowingly stop feelings in children are:
Rescuing,Punishing, Solving the Problem, Moralizing, Denial, Humiliating, Pitying, Lecturing

Some ways to encourage feelings are:
Be Empathetic, Validate Feelings, Identify Feelings, Listen Intently, Be Curious, Invite Expression of Feelings"

Read the article to find out what kinds of effects the feeling stoppers have on children and to see examples of how to encourage feelings.

Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
from John Gottman, Ph.D. and Talaris Research Institute

Step 1 - Emotional Awareness

Step 2 - Recognizing Emotions As An Opportunity For Intimacy And Teaching

Step 3 - Listening Empathetically And Validating The Child's Feelings

Step 4 - Labeling Emotions

Step 5 - Setting Limits While Helping the Child Problem-Solve


Suggested Reading from Parenting Group Information CD

Reflective and Empowering Communication

• Reflective Communication/ Acknowledging Feelings
• Strengthening Relationships Through Respectful Communication
• Empowering Communication Ideas
• Questions and Cautions about Reflective Communication
• Praise and Encouragement
• Teaching Children Skills

Articles about Feelings and Communication

• Children’s Feelings
• The Perils and Promises of Praise or How Not To Talk To Your Kids
  
• I Feel Your Brain
• Secrets of Parenting

What is Happening Beneath the Surface?

Spring Parenting Group: Group 3

A lot of time with kids is spent trying to get them to do various things, to care about various things, to learn various things. “I want you to be this way, doing this.”

A powerful key to meaningful interactions with children is being able to meet the child where he or she is. Can we notice what’s happening with the child that is in front of us? Can we focus on them and discover what they are trying to communicate to us?

A Person is Like an Iceberg

“[Virginia Satir] compared the person to an iceberg, in that only a small part of him or her was observable or apparent, while the largest part was invisible, hidden under water. When we do not know a person, we are only aware of the visible part, while the most important aspects of knowing a person deal with understanding the hidden layers, where each of us spends most of our time. We need to understand yearnings, expectations, feelings, perceptions, and coping mechanisms of a person to have access to his or her self.”

~ Michele Baldwin in The Use of Self in Therapy

It can be easy to notice and respond (react) to a child's behaviors and words. And if that is all we pay attention to, we miss the opportunity to teach them that their inner world, their thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, are real and able to be experienced by other human beings. We help children to better know and understand themselves by listening deeply to what is being communicated beneath the surface and reflecting that back to them. We help them understand their inner world by noticing their inner world and letting them know that we are willing and able to connect with them there. This helps to build strong and trusting relationships.

Development
Understanding development helps us look closer at what is happening beneath the surface.

Robert Kegan says, “If you want to understand another person in some fundamental way you must know where that person is in his or her evolution.” The Evolving Self p. 113

Development Resources
On CD:

• Kegan – Piaget Development
• Kegan Stages Illustrations

In the Packet:

• from the book Yardsticks
• from the book How Much is Enough?

The author of Yardsticks also writes regularly about development and other school related topics at his blog.

Hear See Love, Positive Disciline, Emotion Coaching

Spring Parenting Group: Group 2

The Hizzle (Hearing, Seeing, Loving)

“All people want and need to be Heard, Seen and Loved” (HSL).

— In That Order —

When the HSL need is thwarted — mischief occurs.

This is a teaching that the Dalai Lama shared with Mark Jones in 2001. Since then Jones has been observing the outcomes of when individuals do not feel heard, seen or loved. He invites others to experiment with what happens when we Hizzle (HSL) ourselves and others. What happens when we make a conscious effort to Hear, See and Love?

Jones has observed that when people do not feel heard, they respond by shouting or becoming deafeningly silent. If they do not feel seen, the may bully and/or intimidate or become shy and/or hide. When individuals do not feel loved they express a “Come Here — Go Away” isolating type of dynamic, wanting to be close and connected and then wanting to push away and express disconnection.

We have the opportunity to notice when someone else is not feeling heard, seen or loved and/or to notice when we are not feeling heard, seen or loved. From there, we have the ability to make a different choice and to take the time and energy to Hizzle ourselves and others.

Have you had an experience of feeling heard, seen or loved recently? If so and you have a moment to share, please do so in the comments below.

Click here to read more about the Hizzle for Children.

Positive Discipline
In last week's Parenting Group we also explored foundational elements of Positive Discipline, reflecting on how all behavior has a purpose and the goal of behavior is belonging (a sense of connection) and meaning (a feeling of significance). As one parent pointed out, the way to experience belonging and significance is to feel Heard, Seen and Loved.

We looked at a matrix of Kindness and Firmness, exploring parenting styles and focusing on a way that has a lot of kindness and a lot of firmness at the same time; showing dignity and respect to all humans while supporting children by setting limits and knowing when to adapt those limits. We stressed the importance of mutual respect -- respecting ourselves and respecting the other.

We reflected on the Perception Cycle, recognizing that people are continually making decisions based on how they perceive the world.

An excellent resource is Jane Nelson's Blog, Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelson. As I'm publishing this, her top entry is Morning Power Struggles (Again).

What We Do When Children's Emotions Run Hot

“In my research I discovered that love by itself wasn’t enough to become a good parent. Very concerned, warm, and involved parents often had attitudes toward their own and their children’s emotions that got in the way of being able to talk to their children when they were sad or afraid or angry. While love by itself was not enough, channeling that caring into some basic skills that parents practice as if they were coaching their children in the area of emotion, was enough. The secret lay in how parents interacted with their children when emotions ran hot.”
~From the Preface of Dr. Gottman’s book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

How one feels about feelings can predict significant elements of parenting styles.

In group we explored feelings that we don't really like, that make us uncomfortable... especially when children are experiencing them.

Visit here for more information on John Gottman's work and Emotion Coaching.

Reccomended Reading:
From CD

• What is Positive Discipline Article
• Understanding Behavior
• Article: Secrets of Parenting
  

From Packet

• Kindness and Firmness
• Vocabulary of Feeling Words

Artwork at the top of the page is by by Jessica, Age 8 from the What Does Compassion Look Like Campaign.

Spring Parenting Group: Group 1

I will be using this website to update parents about the recommended reading material and online resources that compliment a face-to-face Parenting Group that is happening through May 14th.

Parenting Group: March 19, 2008

We explored our intentions for the group, group agreements (norms for how we wish to be together) and "What We Wish Someone Had Taught Us." Here is a list of what some past parents had wished they had be taught.

We talked about various elements of the brain. I mentioned some of the work of Jill Bolte Taylor. You can view her talk in the video below. We discussed how a challenge is to use both halves of our brain... to stay in the present moment, be attentive to what is happening right now with ourselves and the child. At the same time, we can be be noticing the details, inquiring about motivations, recognizing our own needs and feelings, recognizing the child's needs and feelings, and choosing how to respond from the myriad of possibilities.

Here is a quote from Daniel Siegel:

"The brain is an associational organ and matches present firing patterns with those of the past. The brain is an anticipation machine - linking the present with what it expects in the future based on experiences in the past."

View the original source, a Power Point Presentation.

We ended the group with a Parents Helping Parents process, generating ideas for a particularly challenging situation that one parent brought forth.

Recommended Reading from the CD

• Breathing Room story
• Responding Consciously and Compassionately
• Resources for Caring Adults: Supporting Social and Emotional Well-being
• Understanding Behavior Through the Adlerian Approach

Brain Info found on the CD

• Brain in Hand
• Mirror Neurons

If you have time and interest, please also take a moment to look through the other reading materials and if there is information that it is important for you that we cover during our group, please let me know.

Thanks.