Bake Cookies for your Neighbor!

When is the last time you baked cookies for a neighbor or cooked some extra dinner and took it to a friend who is struggling to find time to cook? Did you know that doing such activities for others is actually a way to increase the health and well-being of your own children and family? I read an inspiring newsletter this morning on social capital and the value of reaching out to our neighbors. While the newsletter was not intended strictly for parents, it reminded me of the 5 Protective Factors that parents need in order to parent effectively, even under stress, and to diminish the likelihood of child abuse and neglect. This is according to extensive research conducted by Strengthening Families. One of the protective factors is Social Connections. Parents need “friends, family members, neighbors and other members of a community who provide emotional support and concrete assistance to” them.

“Social connections build parents’ “social capital,” their network of others in the community—family, friends, neighbors, churches, etc.—whom they can call on for help solving problems. Friendships lead to mutual assistance in obtaining resources that all families need from time to time, including transportation, respite child care, and other tangible assistance as well as emotional support. Helping parents build constructive friendships and other positive connections can reduce their isolation, which is a consistent risk factor in child abuse and neglect. Isolation is a problem in particular for family members who are in crisis or need intensive help, such as victims of domestic violence.” (source)

With that in mind, below are some ideas from the newsletter: Engage in Dough Diplomacy - Bake Cookies for a Neighbor from Center for a New American Dream

Taking action by supporting legislation or greening your home is important, but don't forget that we can also take action in our social lives. New Dream has always believed that change begins with our everyday choices: investing in relationships builds happier people and a stronger community--and may be good for your health. Which is why we're asking you to bring a neighbor some cookies.

Between the mid 1980's and the 1990's, Americans' openness to making new friends declined by about a third. A 2000 Harvard study found that one-third of Americans no longer participate in social activities like inviting people to their home or visiting relatives. Reaching out to others doesn't just add meaning to our lives--it's part of what makes up social capital, the shared values and trust that keep a society together and running smoothly.

Luckily, it doesn't take a lot of your own capital to simply bake some cookies (or any other treat) and share them with a neighbor you don't know. Think of it as the most fun and delicious way to make the world into what you want it to be: an open, trusting place full of people who will wave to you on the sidewalk. As a family activity, making and sharing homemade goodies is a way to have more face-to-face time and less screen time. So go ahead--knock on that door and then tell us what happened and how it made you feel.

cookies photo by emilybean

This post originally appeared at Community of Mindful Parents.

Sharing the Gifts of Our Stories

As a Social-Emotional teacher, I often explore the concept of giving with my students. We discuss that everyone has things that they can share and give to others. When young children are invited to explore this idea and think about what they can give to others, while they certainly name material objects, they quickly begin to name non-material gifts that can be shared such as love, friendship, respect and ideas.

As adults, do we sometimes forget about the gifts that we have to share with one another? The ones that we never run out of because they are a part of our inner world and are always available?

One precious gift that we have the opportunity to offer one another is our stories and experiences. I imagine you know this, but just in case you have forgotten I would love to remind you that sharing your personal experiences of what it’s like to be a parent and what it’s like to be you gives others a rare opportunity to see into your inner world. Opening up and sharing life experiences with one another can be a powerful offering that provides immeasurable support, encouragement, resources, opportunities to grow and new understanding for one another. I have learned so much from families who have graciously allowed me to peek into the windows of their interior worlds, sharing what it’s like to be a parent, the joys and challenges they face, the funny stories that emerge, the despair and frustration that always seems to rise up and so much more. And I know I’m not the only one who values this. 59% of the participants in my past parenting groups said that one of the most valuable parts of the group was hearing the stories and experiences of other parents.

“Sharing real-life experiences with other parents was the most meaningful moment for me in the group. I realized that I’m not so bad after all! Others have many of the same issues I have.”

“A valuable way to learn from other’s experiences as well as to understand that many others, who seem perfect on the surface, are facing similar issues.”

“I found it valuable to know that as parents, we all have hopes, dreams, areas of challenge and areas of expertise. We all want what is best for our kids because we love them so deeply.”

Next time you're in a conversation with someone and there seems to be an opening, experiment with sharing a story from your life or revealing something about you that they might not know from the outside. How does it impact the quality of your connection?

Win-Win

An inspiring story from a father looking for a win-win outcome and noticing what he can do in addition to what he can invite from his child. I love the creativity that emerged! This originally appeared at Mindful Parenting.

A little preparation before bedtime confrontation

M was not interested in bed this evening. At 8:30 she was screaming for her brother to be returned from a sleep over. I let her call our neighbors house to get that out of her system. Naturally her brother refused to come home.

While she spoke to him I gathered myself and prepared for a difficult bedtime. I had no goals, and nowhere to go and nothing to do. All that mattered was that I was compassionate to my daughter and had a win-win outcome for bedtime.

She crumpled down on the floor and dug in her heels:
"I am not going to bed no matter what you say."
"M, you are going to bed. You can go walking or I can carry you. I can carry you like a baby or I can carry you by your heels."
"You mean I can walk on my hands all the way to bed?"
"If you can make it. It would be a new family record, I said."
We laughed our way all the way to bed and read a book and M drifted off to sleep, happy as a clam.
Win-Win.


photo by 10secondburn

Patience, Understanding, Love, Acceptance

by Kim Hix

Patience, understanding, love, acceptance are gifts we all need from each other but they are specially important for children with disabilities, of any kind. It is difficult to ignore rude, hurtful comments, to be left out and laughed at. Unfortunately this is a common childhood occurrence, however on a more frequent and constant basis for children who are different. Children who are already fragile due to any kind of illness, disability or impairment are easy targets for those who are stronger and more confidant. Self esteem is something we all have whether it be high or low, and how we perceive ourselves, abilities and worth are all too often dependant on others. My wish is that we teach our children and ourselves to accept differences and embrace the individuality that we all have, to see beyond any physical, mental or emotional challenges. If you are a parent of a "high spirited, intense child" as I am, academically, socially and emotionally challenged; you have most likely heard some of the same accusations I have from parents of "perfect " children who do no wrong, who respond to their parents every command on queue, perfectly behaved and well mannered, who excel in sports and academics. I do not harbor resentment because there child may be everything mine is not, they are simply different, with gifts that may be harder to find to others, but not to me. My hope and prayer is that the people in general open their minds and come to realize that children like mine, and millions more ,who suffer with these illnesses, are not bad kids, not evil or purposefully oppositional, but are lovable, kind, funny, smart and full of promise as is every other child. Yes,they may do things differently, loudly, extremely,and outrageously. They need to be given understanding, reassurance, patience, acceptance and compassion. My wish is that other children who feel different for any reason find hope, promise, acceptance and the gift that is within them and realize they are not alone. Mental illness is not a choice, it is not contagious, it does not make you "less than". I hope our story will open the lines of communication for parents and children, friends and neighbors to discuss and explore behavior they may not understand. My biggest hope is that children who are seeking acceptance,understanding and answers be able to find that from parents, peers, teachers and siblings and to know they are not alone in their challenges.

Kim Hix is participating in the WOW! Women on Writing Blog Tour, promoting her book No One is Perfect and YOU Are a Great Kid.

Next Blog Tour Guest, Kim Hix

The next WOW! Women on Writing author that will visit Educating for Wholeness is Kim Hix promoting her book, No One is Perfect and YOU Are a Great Kid, winner of Best Children's Book for ages 6 and under, Reader Views Award for 2007 Annual Literary Awards. She will write an entry on February 17th. For now I'll tease you with a bit about Kim and her book.

No One is Perfect and YOU are a Great Kid is a lovely book written about Zack, a young boy who struggles daily with ever changing moods. He tries to understand why he gets very sad, upset, discouraged and angry in response to what most would consider insignificant events. Zack often feels different, left out, and isolated due to his moods. He poses thought provoking questions to his audience that can spur some meaningful conversation.

This book will touch your heart and anyone who has a special child in their life who struggles with any degree of emotional, behavorial, or psychiatric disorder.

"My name is Kim Hix and I am the mother of a very special young boy who struggles with emotional difficulties. He has experienced an array of moods from an early age, which include rages, depression, anxiety, and drastic mood shifts. In our journey to find help, we've encountered many specialists and interesting people. During this time, my son dealt with feeling different from his peers, isolated, and at times, rejected. My son would express to me that he felt no one understood him and that he was the only kid in the world with these problems. What started out as a project to help my son, cultivated a desire to let other kids and parents know that they are NOT alone. In fact, millions of children are suffering with mental illness, neuropsychiatric disorders, and behavior disorders. They long to be accepted, to be normal, and just fit in. They suffer, and we, the parents, suffer all the while our hearts are breaking.

"This is why I wrote a book for Zack and kids like him, who struggle with feelings of being different. It is my hope that this story will offer some measure of comfort and belonging to the children who read it."

Ten Practical New Year's Resolutions for Parents

From Bright Horizons Family Solutions newsletter

1. Say yes more: to spending time and doing things together.

2. Say no more: to I want, I need, everyone has it, and everyone does it.

3. Worry less: about all the large and small highly sensationalized harm that exists out there. The overwhelming odds are with you (but drive carefully – without the cell phone).

4. Listen more; talk at less: Ask what do you think? What are you feeling? Tell me about it. What would you do?

5. Negotiate less; explain more: Our kids deserve to know the thinking behind our decisions and expectations, but should not be equal partners at the bargaining table. We are the parents.

6. Read a little more: to your child, with your child, and in front of your child – books, magazines, newspapers, notes.

7. Write a little more: notes of love, recognition, encouragement, responsibility, and daily appreciation of life.

8. Expect a little more: good behavior, responsibility, manners, kindness, and all of the goodness that lies within our children.

9. Expect a little less: constant scheduling and enrichment filled days. Slow down, you move too fast. Children need a lot of slow to grow.

10. Connect more: to family, friends, the community, those less fortunate, and the natural world.

'And' Instead of 'But'

In a recent parenting group we had a conversation around the use of the word ‘and’ as opposed to the word ‘but' in certain situations. For example, “You really want my attention right now. And, I am already in a conversation. You can hold my hand and wait quietly until I am finished.” Or “I can see that you don’t like my decision. And right now it is time to get ready to leave. Do you want to put your shoes on here or in the car?”

After the group I was thinking that by using the word ‘and’, we are acknowledging the reality that there are 2 experiences being had. The child is having their experience and the adult is having their experience. Using the word ‘and’ allows us to say that we acknowledge and accept both realities. And… as the adult… we might have to set a limit or be in charge of the direction that is happening next. We are doing this, however, by accepting the reality that the child is feeling something different. If we use the word ‘but’ then we are saying, “I know you feel that way. But this is the real truth.” “You really want my attention right now. But I am already in a conversation. You can wait.” You want my attention, but that isn’t important. All that is important is that I am already talking and you can wait.

This subtle nuance is a way to practice kindness and firmness at the same time. We can be firm by stating and sticking to a limit. We can be kind in our tone of voice, a non-judgmental attitude, and by acknowledging the child’s reality and saying ‘Yes’ to what they’re feeling or experiencing even if we have to say ‘No’ to a behavior.

I'd love to hear other thoughts about this topic.

Age Appropriate Skills for Children

Here's a little article that I wrote for my school's Alumi Newsletter.

Did you know that your five year old is capable of taking out the garbage or sweeping the floor, your seven year old can help change the sheets on the bed or put dishes in the dishwasher, your twelve year old can cook meals for the family or do his own laundry, and your teenager can purchase her own clothes with a budgeted clothing allowance or do heavier yard work.

Many children are denied the opportunity to contribute to their families and communities in such valuable ways. They aren’t given a chance to learn essential skills for caring for themselves and others. Well-intentioned adults do things for children that they are capable of doing for themselves. As a result, the children learn to under-function, displaying trained helplessness and learned incompetence.

In a parenting group we explored age appropriate skills that kids are capable of doing for themselves. Many parents felt the a-ha that their child was capable of taking on some new responsibilities at home. Addressing this change with their child also gave them an opportunity to apologize to their child and admit that they had made a mistake. Children love to hear when adults make mistakes. In addition, modeling making mistakes is a powerful way to help address a child’s perfectionistic tendencies.

Below is one parent’s account of how she surprised her son with an apology and gave him an opportunity to feel empowered and begin taking control of one aspect of his life.

“I had still been picking out clothes for my 8-year-old son every morning. I had tried over the last few years to get him to pick his own clothes (“just pick something – what’s the big deal – it’s just a shirt and pants – your little sister has been picking her own clothes since she was 3…”) but he always acted like it was an overwhelming task and he had no idea what to pick. It made the morning go more smoothly if I just pulled out the clothes for him. After a few parenting classes, I told him that I had learned how much kids can do at different ages. Then I told him that I owed him an apology. He straightened up, taken aback, looking very happily interested in this unusual conversation. I told him that I knew that he was capable of picking out his own clothes and had been for many years, but that I had not been giving him the chance to do this for himself, and that this wasn’t fair to him. He looked honored. The first day after this little talk, I came by and asked him if he had an idea of what he might pick to wear that day. He told me what he was thinking and I said that it sounded like a good choice. Since then, he’s just shown up at breakfast, dressed, without any fuss.”

Turning the Television Off

Personal account from a parent (not me)

We had the typical struggles with our 8 year old son; do your home work, do your chores, practice piano, do some reading. It seemed there were not enough hours in the day. Then we realized that by having the TV on, it was all too easy to watch “just another 15 minutes” which turned into just another half hour and another struggle to brush teeth, get ready for bed and still have time for bedtime reading. So my husband and I made a conscious decision to turn off the TV. There would be no TV during the week on school nights, Friday night was reserved for “family movie night” to watch a movie that we would all enjoy and Saturday morning was our son’s time for cartoons.

Our son moaned about our decision but after only three days he came to me and said that we should have done this a long time ago because now we have more time to spend together. We now have a routine that my son really likes and extra free time to play together which we never seemed to have had before. Everyone is happie

Giving Information Rather Than Nagging

Personal account from a parent (not me!)

A couple weeks ago we were playing outside after school. I was talking with other Moms and my child rode by on a scooter—he’d taken his socks off and was having fun telling us, “I don’t have my socks on!” as he zoomed back and forth.

It was freezing and I called to him a few times to “Put your socks on!” He didn’t. Then, having just read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk the evening before, I tried, a few minutes later, walking over to him when he was by himself quietly playing in the wood chips. Looking in his eyes I said simply “It’s cold and you don’t have your shoes on.” He didn’t say anything but immediately walked over and put his shoes on. It was amazing!

What We'd Like to Learn

Another inspiring list generated in a recent parenting group:

What we wish someone had taught us:

• Listen from the perspective of who you are communicating with.
• How to calm yourself when agitated or stressed.
• How to spell!
• How to be empathic and careful and conscious of the consequences of words.
• Be present – in the moment you’re in.
• Encourage first, teach second.
• How to sort through thoughts and emotions.
• How to figure out what I really want.
• That emotional intelligence is just as important as cognitive intelligence
• How to think ahead.
• How to trust your instincts/intuition.

Childhood Memories from a Workaholic

A professionally successful woman in her late 40’s began to recognize that she was a workaholic. With this new awareness came a difficult practice of re-prioritizing where she expends her time and energy. During this process she wondered what situations in her early life might have helped shape her belief that to belong and be valued, she had to work hard and be successful. Below is a passage from her journal.

I offer this genuine account as a resource to help us better understand the ways in which children perceive how others respond to them, construct beliefs based upon those perceptions, and then make life decisions that stem from those beliefs. I wonder if any of the children in our lives could relate to parts of this story? I also invite us to continue to explore unconditional ways that we can help reinforce each child’s inherent value.

When did I first start showing signs of workaholism?

As a young child, pre-school age, I had lots of time to kill. My parents both worked and we were often left in the charge of my oldest sister. My brother often beat up on me if we played together, and our house was out in the suburbs, at a time when the suburbs were still mainly woods. If we weren’t out in the woods “exploring” or making forts, then I would be in the house, reading--always the safest choice with my brother around. I could read at a very early age, and I learned to write well before I went to school.

Going to school was very traumatic for me. I felt abandoned by my Mom, and terrified of all the other kids. I guess that makes sense because I pretty much grew up knowing only a handful of kids in our isolated neighborhood. Most of my play time was spent alone, or with my brother, doing unstructured kinds of things rather than playing games.

Because I had never socialized with other kids, I didn’t know what to do during recess. I often walked around by myself. I came to prefer class to recess, and if I could, stayed in at recess to keep working (aha!). I was much more comfortable with the teacher or teacher’s aide, than out on the playground, because it felt so dangerous (all those kids I didn’t know, playing games I didn’t know how to play). Reading was always an acceptable activity--both at home and at school.

I don’t remember being competitive, though, at least for the first two years. I liked the activities (reading groups, making things)….For my first two years of school, I tried hard to do well (but was not the outstanding achiever) and more than anything, I wanted to make friends and be accepted.

We moved when I was eight years old, two things happened:

1. I was no longer invisible. Because of my accent, the other kids made fun of me (“you talk slow”), and
2. because of the better schools where I was from, I was one or two years ahead of my classmates.
   

First, I got lots of attention from the teachers because I performed so well. Second, because I was so “smart” the other kids stopped teasing me, and I had some cache as a playmate in competitive learning games. On the playground, marbles was the big game, and I learned how to play, and became a master marble player. Marbles is an everyman-for-himself kind of game, not one that fosters a sense of team spirit or collaboration. Plus we played "for keeps" and I amassed an impressive collection of beautiful marbles that I my parents would never have bought for me. In fact, because of my prowess, playing marbles was banned by the school (after parents complained that their children were spending money on marbles and then losing them). I earned respect on the playground, and in the classroom. In my old town, I was not special. In the new city, I was.

In the fourth grade, I was often rewarded with special privileges for being done with work. I ran messages for the teachers, I got to set up activities, and when they started a gifted program, I got to participate (lots of fun learning activities that were self-paced, rather than the rote learning of most classroom activities). My friends were all the gifted students. Being smart and hardworking was what set us apart and gave us our privileges.

At home, the one thing that got praise from Mom was my working hard to help her. So, between school and working at home, the pattern was set. Hard work, and being the best at something, was what made me worthwhile, made me somebody.

The Peril of Praise

This New York Magazine article, How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise has been making its way through the email circuit. I found it to be a great article, well worth the read if you are involved in the lives of children (and adults!). Also, here is a handout that you can download that complements this article.

For a few decades, it's been noted that a large percentage of all gifted students (those who score in the top 10 percent on aptitude tests) severely underestimate their own abilities. Those afflicted with this lack of perceived competence adopt lower standards for success and expect less of themselves. They underrate the importance of effort, and they overrate how much help they need from a parent.

[In a research study, fifth-grade students were] randomly divided into groups, some were praised for their intelligence. They were told, "You must be smart at this." Other students were praised for their effort: "You must have worked really hard."

Dweck had suspected that praise could backfire, but even she was surprised by the magnitude of the effect. "Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control," she explains. "They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child's control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure."

[In another study, students were taught] that the brain is a muscle. Giving it a harder workout makes you smarter. That alone improved their math scores.

Baumeister has come to believe the continued appeal of self-esteem is largely tied to parents' pride in their children's achievements: It's so strong that "when they praise their kids, it's not that far from praising themselves."

What would it mean, to give up praising our children so often? Well, if I am one example, there are stages of withdrawal, each of them subtle. In the first stage, I fell off the wagon around other parents when they were busy praising their kids. I didn't want Luke to feel left out. I felt like a former alcoholic who continues to drink socially. I became a Social Praiser.

These are only some scattered clips... there's much more in the article!!

What We Wish Someone Had Taught Us

What do you know about life? What do you know about love? What do you know about raising or educating children?

In a recent parenting group, participants took a few moments to silently reflect upon those very same questions, listening within to the knowing that emerged. Following that exploration, parents then reflected upon their own childhood and what they wish someone had taught them. They also explored qualities they would give to their children as a gift if they could. Below are their responses. May these offerings center our attention around some of the things that bring meaning and value into our lives, deepening our awareness of how we can support and encourage the wholesome development of children.

We wish someone had taught us

• The importance of showing up reliably, doing your best
• To take advantage of great opportunities
• How to turn a traumatic experience into something to grow from
• How to trust your own instincts (not override them)
• Making mistakes is important
• That I’m good enough. Self-esteem. Self-love
• You don’t have to change the world to be successful or happy
• Communicate what you feel and not what you think someone wants to hear
• Appreciate the wisdom of your parents and elders
• Appreciate the present moment rather than focusing on the future or the past
• Everything always works out
• The power of saving money and compound interest
• There’s value in being patient rather than rushing through things
• Enjoy your present company and the relationships you have
• It’s okay to be sensitive
• Empathic capabilities
• How to handle conflict
• Not to be fearful. To try
• To trust internal wisdom
• Fiscal responsibility
• Confidence
• Include yourself on your list of people you love
• A grateful heart
• Courage to go for your dreams
• Courage to accept when you don’t achieve your dreams
• Follow your bliss and enjoy life
• There are no stupid questions
• Trust your instincts

And more wishes here.

The Morning Rush

From a parent:

Every morning seemed to be a rush, despite waking up an hour before school. I read part of “Positive Discipline” and some of “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk ” and realized that despite my child being a slow eater and lollygagger (like most kids), I was part of the problem too. So, we did two things. I asked my child to help make a “plan” for the mornings and evenings (to facilitate bed without struggle too). He decided the order of things—wake up, jammies off, clothes on, brush teeth, and only then go downstairs. First thing we did when we got downstairs was to eat breakfast. We decided that if he ate breakfast and there was time, he could play or watch a video until it was time for school. AND, probably even more importantly, I started to get up earlier so I was ready when he woke up. The next day, and since, it has worked well. And usually we don’t have time to play. But it seems that just being involved in making the plan has empowered my child to do what he needs to do (and me too!).ided the order of things—wake up, jammies off, clothes on, brush teeth, and only then go downstairs. First thing we did when we got downstairs was to eat breakfast. We decided that if he ate breakfast and there was time, he could play or watch a video until it was time for school. AND, probably even more importantly, I started to get up earlier so I was ready when he woke up. The next day, and since, it has worked well. And usually we don’t have time to play. But it seems that just being involved in making the plan has empowered my child to do what he needs to do (and me too!).

Play Baby Time

From a Parent:

My younger daughter, age 4, has been asking me to do things she is perfectly capable of doing herself, such as demanding that I put on her shoes, that she sit on my lap at meals, that I carry her places, that I wipe her bottom when she poops. She told me she knows she is 4 but 4 isn't really very big and so she is still really a baby.

So, Play Baby Time was created. I told her that I wanted to pretend she was a baby and would do all the things a mom does with a baby, but not always. I asked her to pick a day of the week when we would have PBT, expecting her to say "All of them". However, she chose only one. I then asked her how long PBT should last. Her 6.5 year old sister suggested 3 hours and fortunately my "baby" thought that 1 hour would be fine. So, we now have PBT on Wednesdays from 6-7pm. During that hour, I feed her, let her sit on my lap, and do whatever else she thinks a baby should get. During much of the hour, she forgets and does things for herself, though I do make a point of reminding her that this is her time to be a baby if she wants.

The best part of PBT is the rest of the week. The other day, we were in a rush and I started to put her shoes and socks on. She said, "Mom, are we in Play Baby Time now?" "Oh my goodness," I said. "I made a mistake. It's not PBT until Wednesday! Well, you got a free sock there." She laughed and put her other sock and shoes on. No demands for me to do things she can do herself. If they arise, I plan to say, "Let's write that down for the next PBT."

Out of PBT has come a request, from both my daughters, for "Play Grownup Time". The girls would like to pretend to be adults, which in their eyes means drinking "coffee" or "wine", "driving" the car in the garage, working on the computer, and talking on the phone. We will iron out the details at our next Family Meeting. Maybe they'd like to pay a few bills while they are at it!

Creativity, Education, Intrinsic Strengths, Innate Curiosity and Play

Some educational and parenting resources for you:

A MUST see, hysterical and insightful TEDtalk with Sir Ken Robinson

Sir Ken Robinson is author of Out of Our Minds: Learning to be Creative, and a leading expert on innovation and human resources. In this talk, he makes an entertaining (and profoundly moving) case for creating an education system that nurtures creativity, rather than undermining it. (Recorded February, 2006 in Monterey, CA.)

Thank you Christoph for directing me to this talk.

An interesting NY Times article, So the Torah is a Parenting Guide?

“Indulged, coddled, pressured and micromanaged on the outside, my young patients appeared to be inadvertently deprived of the opportunity to develop an inside,” she writes in her book. “They lack the secure, reliable, welcoming internal structure that we call the ‘self.”’ ...

There is a Hasidic saying that Mogel quotes, “If your child has a talent to be a baker, don’t ask him to be a doctor.” By definition, most children cannot be at the top of the class; value their talents in whatever realm you find them. “When we ignore a child’s intrinsic strengths in an effort to push him toward our notion of extraordinary achievement, we are undermining God’s plan,” Mogel writes.

Which leads me to aPsychology Today article on the Sudbury Valley School

At Sudbury Valley School, there's no other way to learn. The 38-year-old day facility in Framingham, Massachusetts, is founded on what comes down to a belief about human nature—that children have an innate curiosity to learn and a drive to become effective, independent human beings, no matter how many times they try and fail. And it's the job of adults to expose them to models and information, answer questions—then get out of the way without trampling motivation. ...

Play—it's by definition absorbing. The outcome is always uncertain. Play makes children nimble—neurobiologically, mentally, behaviorally—capable of adapting to a rapidly evolving world. That makes it just about the best preparation for life in the 21st century. Psychologists believe that play cajoles people toward their human potential because it preserves all the possibilities nervous systems tend to otherwise prune away. It's no accident that all of the predicaments of play—the challenges, the dares, the races and chases—model the struggle for survival. Think of play as the future with sneakers on.