Educating for Wholeness

May This Food Nourish Us...

2010-03-12T20:32:00.000-08:00

One Family's Mealtime Prayer

We give thanks for these gifts

from the earth, the sky and much hard work

May we live in a way worthy of this food

May this food nourish us on the path of love and understanding

Paraphrased by Paul Ely Smith from Thich Nhat Hanh

How do you honor the moments before you eat a meal?

Photo Source

Learning About Food

2010-03-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

From the Bright Horizons Newsletter

Where Does Our Food Come From?

Ty, age 4, stared with wonder at the long orange vegetable with the big green leaves coming out of the top. “What is this?” he asked his Dad. His Dad replied, “That’s a carrot.” “That’s a carrot??” asked Ty. “I thought carrots were those little orange things that come in plastic bags.”

Recent marketing data has shown that there has been an upsurge this year in families planting vegetable gardens. Hard economic times have been leading more of us back to the backyard garden. In tough times, backyard gardens make a lot of sense, but they make sense for more than financial reasons. Many children have never had experience with where food comes from.

A by-product of less and less time outdoors, a trend for many U.S. families, is that fewer children get first-hand experience with food sources. In days past, more of us had backyard gardens or visited a farm of family members or friends. We may have gotten to pick apples from the tree or ground, collect eggs from the hen house, or harvest beans off the plants. Today, many children only experience food coming from a grocery store.

Reconnecting our children to food’s origins can build their conceptual understanding of food sources, while also providing an opportunity to talk about healthy eating and learn about the environmental implications of growing organically or transporting food long distances. Here are a few suggestions to introduce these ideas to your children:

Plant your own garden which can be as small or large as you would like. Even having one cherry tomato plant in a container on your porch or patio gives your child a chance to experience the growing and harvesting cycle. Some regions sponsor community or urban gardens where several families who don’t have gardening space can farm a small plot together.

Join a Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) group. Many farms now offer locally grown, often organic, foods by subscription. A family purchases a “share” of a local farm and receives a bag or box of fresh fruits and veggies that they pick up each week. Purchasing shares help guarantee the farmer’s subsistence and the food is seasonal and fresh off the farm. The pick-up place for the vegetables is often the farm itself. This can become a fun and educational experience for your children. The foods each week may include some you or your children have never seen before like turnips, kale, or red beets; but learning more about these foods can become a family educational adventure. Some CSAs also offer opportunities to work on the farm.

Visit the local farmers' market with your children. While your children probably won’t get to see where the actual food is grown, they will typically see unpackaged foods and some foods they are unfamiliar with. They may even get to talk to the farmer.

Consider eating one “seasonal” meal each week. This would mean only using fruits and vegetables that are in season, not grown in different climates and not shipped from far away. If you shop at farmers' markets or join a CSA, this is easy, because they only carry seasonal items. Older children might enjoy making a chart of when their favorite fruits and vegetables are available locally and can look forward to their purchase.

Go to http://www.localharvest.org for a listing of CSAs and farmers' markets in your area as well as for additional information about organic food and related topics.

For more fun ideas on making the trip to the farmers' market or to pick up your CSA share interesting for your child(ren), read more below:

Encourage conversations between your child and the farmer. Older children can keep a market journal. Questions to ask:

- Where is your farm located?
- What kind of tomato/lettuce/etc. is this?
- When was this vegetable/fruit picked?
- What produce will you have next week?

Engage young children using their senses:
- What does the vegetable/fruit feel like? Is it bumpy or smooth? Is it hard or soft?
- What does the vegetable/fruit look like? What color is it? What shape?
- What does the vegetable/fruit sound like when you tap it? Is it hollow? Does it sound like a drum?
- What does the vegetable/fruit smell like? Does it have a strong smell or no smell?
- What does the vegetable/fruit taste like? Do you think it will be juicy or dry? Sweet or salty? Let’s go home and give it a taste.

Create a Market Scavenger Hunt:
- Create a grocery list before going to the market.
- Have your child help locate the items on the list.
- Use check marks or stickers to show the item as complete.
- Consider a “freebie” square for an item that the child can pick.

Allow children to experience many different markets:
- Talk about the differences and similarities between each.
- Older children can add this to their farmers' market journal.
- Find markets with children’s entertainment or educational events.
- Meet friends for a play date or picnic at the market.

Reinforce the learning at home:
- Have children compare produce from the grocery store with produce from the farmers’ market. Do they look the same? Feel the same? Smell the same? Taste the same?
- Create a “food map.” Using a world or U.S. map, highlight regions by category. Have children mark on the map where the produce they eat in a week comes from. (NOTE: By law, all stores need to label the Country of Origin for all produce).

Green: nearby region/state
Yellow: surrounding area/region
Blue: inside U.S.
Red: outside U.S

- For younger children, read books about planting and farming.
- Help children plant and care for their own vegetable plant.

Cook together.
Older children can help select recipes and help prepare a salad or larger meal from fruits and vegetables they helped select at the farmers' market or from your own garden or CSA.

Write Your Own Story

2009-11-30T10:57:00.001-08:00

Thank You For Helping Me Be Me by ashleycooper, thomasart on Storybird

I love this new website, Storybird, where you can pick from some wonderful and inspiring artwork and then create your own story.

Here are a few more that I've found or that friends have shared with me. If you write one, please do let me know so I can read it. And check back at the website as they seem to be adding new artwork regularly.

Bake Cookies for your Neighbor!

2009-10-08T09:55:00.000-07:00

When is the last time you baked cookies for a neighbor or cooked some extra dinner and took it to a friend who is struggling to find time to cook? Did you know that doing such activities for others is actually a way to increase the health and well-being of your own children and family? I read an inspiring newsletter this morning on social capital and the value of reaching out to our neighbors. While the newsletter was not intended strictly for parents, it reminded me of the 5 Protective Factors that parents need in order to parent effectively, even under stress, and to diminish the likelihood of child abuse and neglect. This is according to extensive research conducted by Strengthening Families. One of the protective factors is Social Connections. Parents need “friends, family members, neighbors and other members of a community who provide emotional support and concrete assistance to” them.

“Social connections build parents’ “social capital,” their network of others in the community—family, friends, neighbors, churches, etc.—whom they can call on for help solving problems. Friendships lead to mutual assistance in obtaining resources that all families need from time to time, including transportation, respite child care, and other tangible assistance as well as emotional support. Helping parents build constructive friendships and other positive connections can reduce their isolation, which is a consistent risk factor in child abuse and neglect. Isolation is a problem in particular for family members who are in crisis or need intensive help, such as victims of domestic violence.” (source)

With that in mind, below are some ideas from the newsletter: Engage in Dough Diplomacy - Bake Cookies for a Neighbor from Center for a New American Dream

Taking action by supporting legislation or greening your home is important, but don't forget that we can also take action in our social lives. New Dream has always believed that change begins with our everyday choices: investing in relationships builds happier people and a stronger community--and may be good for your health. Which is why we're asking you to bring a neighbor some cookies.

Between the mid 1980's and the 1990's, Americans' openness to making new friends declined by about a third. A 2000 Harvard study found that one-third of Americans no longer participate in social activities like inviting people to their home or visiting relatives. Reaching out to others doesn't just add meaning to our lives--it's part of what makes up social capital, the shared values and trust that keep a society together and running smoothly.

Luckily, it doesn't take a lot of your own capital to simply bake some cookies (or any other treat) and share them with a neighbor you don't know. Think of it as the most fun and delicious way to make the world into what you want it to be: an open, trusting place full of people who will wave to you on the sidewalk. As a family activity, making and sharing homemade goodies is a way to have more face-to-face time and less screen time. So go ahead--knock on that door and then tell us what happened and how it made you feel.

cookies photo by emilybean

This post originally appeared at Community of Mindful Parents.

Sharing the Gifts of Our Stories

2009-09-13T21:54:00.000-07:00

As a Social-Emotional teacher, I often explore the concept of giving with my students. We discuss that everyone has things that they can share and give to others. When young children are invited to explore this idea and think about what they can give to others, while they certainly name material objects, they quickly begin to name non-material gifts that can be shared such as love, friendship, respect and ideas.

As adults, do we sometimes forget about the gifts that we have to share with one another? The ones that we never run out of because they are a part of our inner world and are always available?

One precious gift that we have the opportunity to offer one another is our stories and experiences. I imagine you know this, but just in case you have forgotten I would love to remind you that sharing your personal experiences of what it’s like to be a parent and what it’s like to be you gives others a rare opportunity to see into your inner world. Opening up and sharing life experiences with one another can be a powerful offering that provides immeasurable support, encouragement, resources, opportunities to grow and new understanding for one another. I have learned so much from families who have graciously allowed me to peek into the windows of their interior worlds, sharing what it’s like to be a parent, the joys and challenges they face, the funny stories that emerge, the despair and frustration that always seems to rise up and so much more. And I know I’m not the only one who values this. 59% of the participants in my past parenting groups said that one of the most valuable parts of the group was hearing the stories and experiences of other parents.

“Sharing real-life experiences with other parents was the most meaningful moment for me in the group. I realized that I’m not so bad after all! Others have many of the same issues I have.”

“A valuable way to learn from other’s experiences as well as to understand that many others, who seem perfect on the surface, are facing similar issues.”

“I found it valuable to know that as parents, we all have hopes, dreams, areas of challenge and areas of expertise. We all want what is best for our kids because we love them so deeply.”

Next time you're in a conversation with someone and there seems to be an opening, experiment with sharing a story from your life or revealing something about you that they might not know from the outside. How does it impact the quality of your connection?

Win-Win

2009-09-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

An inspiring story from a father looking for a win-win outcome and noticing what he can do in addition to what he can invite from his child. I love the creativity that emerged! This originally appeared at Mindful Parenting.

A little preparation before bedtime confrontation

M was not interested in bed this evening. At 8:30 she was screaming for her brother to be returned from a sleep over. I let her call our neighbors house to get that out of her system. Naturally her brother refused to come home.

While she spoke to him I gathered myself and prepared for a difficult bedtime. I had no goals, and nowhere to go and nothing to do. All that mattered was that I was compassionate to my daughter and had a win-win outcome for bedtime.

She crumpled down on the floor and dug in her heels:
"I am not going to bed no matter what you say."
"M, you are going to bed. You can go walking or I can carry you. I can carry you like a baby or I can carry you by your heels."
"You mean I can walk on my hands all the way to bed?"
"If you can make it. It would be a new family record, I said."
We laughed our way all the way to bed and read a book and M drifted off to sleep, happy as a clam.
Win-Win.

photo by 10secondburn

Children Keeping it Simple, Teaching Simplicity

2009-03-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

A few inspiring comments from my teachers in simplicity, children.

I was participating in Seattle’s Martin Luther King, Jr., March and Rally this year with some of the faculty, students and parents from the school I work at. During the march one of our first graders looked up at me and said, “Oh, I know why you’re here today, Ashley.” “Why?” I asked. “Because this is all about friendship… and you’re the friendship teacher.”

(fyi: I host Friendship Groups, a class that all the students in the class participate in just like math or reading. The aim is to help students deepen their ability to connect with and understand themselves and others. It's all about friendship... with ourselves, others and the world around us!)
During Obama's presidential inauguration Rev. Joseph Lowery was talking about love,
"And now, Lord, in the complex arena of human relations, help us to make choices on the side of love, not hate; on the side of inclusion, not exclusion; tolerance, not intolerance."

I looked in front of me as a Kindergartner was staring down at his little hands, shaping them into a heart. That image summed up where my hope for our future lies... in love.
After the inauguration we hosted an Open Space with the 3rd graders. One child's closing remarks, "I learned that when everyone pitches in just a little bit, it can make a giant difference."
Words of wisdom that a 2nd grader told me over lunch one day that I am practicing and trying to better embody, "Just listen until your mind gets deeper and then you'll understand."

I am so grateful for all the gifts that are bestowed upon me by these wise humans who are so willing to share their world.

heart photo by samantha celera

Keep Your Brain Entertained

2009-03-21T14:43:00.000-07:00

An interesting npr segment on how active our brain gets when we are bored. Daydreams can suck us into an ever-interesting world of distraction. According to this article, if you want to stay engaged with the content at hand, keep your body engaged on something such as doodling. Don't let the mental activity get the best of you if you want to continue focusing, give your hands something else to do.

When the brain lacks sufficient stimulation, it essentially goes on the prowl and scavenges for something to think about. Typically what happens in this situation is that the brain ends up manufacturing its own material.

In other words, the brain turns to daydreams, fantasies of Oscar acceptance speeches and million-dollar lottery wins. But those daydreams take up an enormous amount of energy.

The function of doodling, according to Andrade, who recently published a study on doodling in Applied Cognitive Psychology, is to provide just enough cognitive stimulation during an otherwise boring task to prevent the mind from taking the more radical step of totally opting out of the situation and running off into a fantasy world.

When I host small Friendship Groups with students, I often put a bowl of rocks, shells, stick, cones into the middle of the circle in case anyone needs something to fiddle with. A group the other day began building with the objects while we were discussing some of their problems and concerns. Their sculptures were beautiful and inspiring and a nice example for this article! One child preferred the erasers!

Patience, Understanding, Love, Acceptance

2009-02-17T06:27:00.000-08:00

by Kim Hix

Patience, understanding, love, acceptance are gifts we all need from each other but they are specially important for children with disabilities, of any kind. It is difficult to ignore rude, hurtful comments, to be left out and laughed at. Unfortunately this is a common childhood occurrence, however on a more frequent and constant basis for children who are different. Children who are already fragile due to any kind of illness, disability or impairment are easy targets for those who are stronger and more confidant. Self esteem is something we all have whether it be high or low, and how we perceive ourselves, abilities and worth are all too often dependant on others. My wish is that we teach our children and ourselves to accept differences and embrace the individuality that we all have, to see beyond any physical, mental or emotional challenges. If you are a parent of a "high spirited, intense child" as I am, academically, socially and emotionally challenged; you have most likely heard some of the same accusations I have from parents of "perfect " children who do no wrong, who respond to their parents every command on queue, perfectly behaved and well mannered, who excel in sports and academics. I do not harbor resentment because there child may be everything mine is not, they are simply different, with gifts that may be harder to find to others, but not to me. My hope and prayer is that the people in general open their minds and come to realize that children like mine, and millions more ,who suffer with these illnesses, are not bad kids, not evil or purposefully oppositional, but are lovable, kind, funny, smart and full of promise as is every other child. Yes,they may do things differently, loudly, extremely,and outrageously. They need to be given understanding, reassurance, patience, acceptance and compassion. My wish is that other children who feel different for any reason find hope, promise, acceptance and the gift that is within them and realize they are not alone. Mental illness is not a choice, it is not contagious, it does not make you "less than". I hope our story will open the lines of communication for parents and children, friends and neighbors to discuss and explore behavior they may not understand. My biggest hope is that children who are seeking acceptance,understanding and answers be able to find that from parents, peers, teachers and siblings and to know they are not alone in their challenges.

Kim Hix is participating in the WOW! Women on Writing Blog Tour, promoting her book No One is Perfect and YOU Are a Great Kid.

Next Blog Tour Guest, Kim Hix

2009-02-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

The next WOW! Women on Writing author that will visit Educating for Wholeness is Kim Hix promoting her book, No One is Perfect and YOU Are a Great Kid, winner of Best Children's Book for ages 6 and under, Reader Views Award for 2007 Annual Literary Awards. She will write an entry on February 17th. For now I'll tease you with a bit about Kim and her book.

No One is Perfect and YOU are a Great Kid is a lovely book written about Zack, a young boy who struggles daily with ever changing moods. He tries to understand why he gets very sad, upset, discouraged and angry in response to what most would consider insignificant events. Zack often feels different, left out, and isolated due to his moods. He poses thought provoking questions to his audience that can spur some meaningful conversation.

This book will touch your heart and anyone who has a special child in their life who struggles with any degree of emotional, behavorial, or psychiatric disorder.

"My name is Kim Hix and I am the mother of a very special young boy who struggles with emotional difficulties. He has experienced an array of moods from an early age, which include rages, depression, anxiety, and drastic mood shifts. In our journey to find help, we've encountered many specialists and interesting people. During this time, my son dealt with feeling different from his peers, isolated, and at times, rejected. My son would express to me that he felt no one understood him and that he was the only kid in the world with these problems. What started out as a project to help my son, cultivated a desire to let other kids and parents know that they are NOT alone. In fact, millions of children are suffering with mental illness, neuropsychiatric disorders, and behavior disorders. They long to be accepted, to be normal, and just fit in. They suffer, and we, the parents, suffer all the while our hearts are breaking.

"This is why I wrote a book for Zack and kids like him, who struggle with feelings of being different. It is my hope that this story will offer some measure of comfort and belonging to the children who read it."

An Invisible String That Will Stretch and Not Break

2009-02-06T09:09:00.000-08:00

photo by D.Hyuk

An amazing story about the bond between a mother and a daughter. I think it's a beautiful analogy that any family could play with.

Meredith has an ongoing story about an "invisible string" attaching her to her mother. This story began in a literal manner, when she at age two would wrap one end of a string around her mother and then wrap the other end around her own wrist and say that they were "connected forever." The string has morphed into an invisible string, that will "stretch and not break" when necessary, such as when she is at preschool. We have come to think of this string as an indication of her internal emotional state and a metaphor for managing separation.

For example, after a long and challenging day recently, she said that the string was very short and would break if her mother left her side. Her baby sister started crying, however, so then she added that her magic wand had turned the string into a "long golden thread that would stretch and not break" while her mother tended to the baby. "But," she warned, "when Rosie stops crying, it will turn back into a very short string that can break easily." She mentions the string every month or two, and we have come to appreciate her use of creativity and abstraction in expressing her psychological state.

~Seattle Mom

Take a Second Look

2009-01-29T09:12:00.000-08:00

By Ruth J. Hartman

Sometimes it’s hard to love yourself. This is especially true when you’re fighting mental illness. I was diagnosed at age 27 with severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. My thoughts were a tangled mess of repetitive thoughts and unbelievable lies. Although I believed the lies my mind told me. How could I not? It’s all I knew at the time.

The people I love had a hard time understanding why I had suddenly become someone they couldn’t recognize. I realize now that I wasn’t giving those around me enough credit. At first, although I began seeing a psychiatrist and knew what was going on with me, I didn’t trust my family enough to tell them. What would they think of me? Would they disown me? But my parents, as well as my sibling and their spouses, were so very supportive and loving.

My friends were, as well. Maybe I should qualify that: I found out who my true friends were. It was a painful lesson, but one that ultimately showed me who I could trust with my life’s secrets.

My husband never wavered in his love and support. A lesser man would have run screaming through the door. Mine, however, showed me an even deeper love than I ever thought possible. He and I have always been best friends. Soul mates. This illness of mine threatened to shipwreck us, but true love prevailed. He showed me that love is so much more than what you think you’re getting on your wedding day. It’s deep commitment. It’s concern and empathy for someone, even when for the life of you, you don’t understand their actions.

Have you ever met someone who seemed so strange, you wanted to turn away? Pretend they didn’t exist? That’s how I used to react to people. Until I became one of those “strange” people. What I went through changed me forever. Now I find that I have more patience with others with any kind of disability, mental or otherwise.

In my job as a dental hygienist, it’s part of my job to go over a patient’s medical history at every visit. Occasionally, I come across someone who takes the same medication I do, or who has gone through psychiatric treatment. When I go over their histories and come to that section, the patients very often will lower their heads, and avert their eyes. But when I share with them that I’ve gone through something very similar, everything changes. Suddenly there’s camaraderie. A special trust that can only be known by someone who’s been there, who’s gone through something so horrible, only a very few will ever understand. It brings me to tears when I can actually help someone. Even a little. Maybe that’s why I’m here. Maybe that’s part of the reason God put me where I am.

So the next time you come across someone who seems different, unbalanced, “off” somehow, take a deep breath. Show more patience than you normally might have. Believe me, it will mean the world to someone who desperately just needs some understanding and kindness. And on behalf of those you take time to give a second look to, thank you.

Ruth Hartman is participating in the WOW! Women on Writing Blog Tour, promoting her new book, My Life in Mental Chains: My Struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Check it out.

WOW! Women on Writing Blog Tour

2009-01-29T08:30:00.000-08:00

Educating for Wholeness is joining a Blog Tour! We will have the pleasure of hosting guest writers as participants in the WOW! Women on Writing Blog Tour. A blog tour is similar to an author's book tour, but it's hosted online, instead of at, say, a bookstore. The touring author visits a number of blogs (otherwise known as "blog stops") over a set period--typically, a month. It's a wonderful way to network with a readership the author might never get to meet in "real" life. For instance, tours take writers across the U.S., Canada, even Australia all in one month! Even the most gregarious traveler couldn't conquer that much territory in such a short time. But it's not about the territory covered, it's about the interesting people met along the way. The participating blogs are phenomenal. All of them offer something unique to the reader, and they all have different flavors. One thing is for certain, they are all a sweet treat.

The first author on our tour is Ruth J Hartman and her new book, My Life in Mental Chains: My Struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This is a true life story about living with OCD. Ruth will be posting here tomorrow. Today, you can learn more about Ruth:

Ruth J. Hartman was once “normal.” She perceived the world around her as any other person would—until she turned 27. That’s when Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) dug in its claws and refused to let her go. Her world (and her family’s) was turned inside out.

Working as a dental hygienist was difficult enough, but trying to balance her work life with the challenges of OCD was overwhelming. Ruth’s family, friends, and co-workers didn’t understand why she suddenly acted so bizarre. She wanted to help them understand, but she couldn’t. She didn’t understand it herself.

My Life in Mental Chains is moving and tragic, yet in the end, it’s an uplifting story of personal faith and inner strength. Ruth’s insight will be a great comfort to OCD sufferers, their families, and their friends.

Together We Can Make a Difference: Open Space with Children

2009-01-25T13:33:00.000-08:00

On January 20th, 2009 after President Obama’s Inauguration Ceremony 45 third graders gathered in a circle for an Open Space event.

Three students on a planning committee decided the questions that would guide the students’ time together:

What is something that a group of people working together can change?
What is something that you think is important in our school or in our world that you would like to discuss?

The planning committee started the open space with a poem and a story.
The opening poem by Mila Kopp:

And another student told a story:

Once you get older it’s harder for people to change your mind so you’re not as much of a help to the community when they’re trying to think of something to do or when something’s wrong and they need help and are deciding what to do. For instance, with my grandfather, it’s really hard for people to change his mind because he just thinks one thing is right and if something else is right and someone tells him, because he’s older, it’s a lot harder to change his mind and it might not even happen.

The students were told how the process of Open Space works… and then they got to it, deciding what they wanted to talk about, posting their topics and attending the sessions. Students had paper to take notes and had the option of using a talking piece to facilitate their conversations. Some students were given video cameras to interview and document the process.

This same process was repeated 2 more times with groups of 1st and 2nd graders. Below are examples of topics that were posted, some of their notes, and comments from the closing circles. All of the student's brave spelling has be preserved. For the complete list of Topics, Session Notes and Closing Circle Comments download this document.

Topics Posted

How to save the animals
Don’t be rude
Stop violence, It may cause other bad issues
Sushi in hot lunch’s
Don’t kill animals for coats
Do not be to loud. Try to be silent.
Save papper saves trees
Globle Warming – When you have to go a short way, don’t take your car!
FREEDOM OF CHOICE
Fair and unfair
Palushin
being raspactfoll
wrcing to gether in socor
Help stop war
Bing Nice With Othrs
Life
Being helpful
how to work out prablums
Welcome people into gam’s

Session Notes

Polution
Notes

“I think that pollution is rong because I think the earth should be in it’s healtyest condition and everyone should carpull as much as possible.”
“If you polute, that leads to global waring witch leads to us.”

What can we do now?

“Groups can like get together and pick up litter.”
“Everyone should always carry a bag with them to carry litter that you find on the ground and picked up.”

Globle Warming
Notes

If you have to go a short way, don’t take your car!
Put up sines to stop globle warming

What can we do?

STOP Globle Warming (happy voice) in ten years (Deep Voice)

Save the animals
Notes

Adopt a pet at Cat Adoption Centers and other places
Look for lost pets
Look in allys
Start your own adoption center

How to save the animals
What can we do now?
3. be president and make a law that says you can only kill animals once a year
4. make a complante to the president

Gasoline
What can we do now?

Walking, biking
Invent vical that runs on trash or sun, rain
hybrid
carpool

Bing nice with others
Notes

Be nice to others
Telling others to be nice
Nicely tell others to be nice

Talk don’t hit
What can we do now?

We will say, “Talk don’t hit!” and we will try not to do it ourselves

Being helpful
Notes
Examples

Yore little brother is skating and you help him.
Yore little brother got a shot you put a bandade on him

Doing the dishes
Notes

Save energy by not using dish water
Tirn off the faucet more
People make it easier
sistrs and brothers can help

Help stop war
Notes

Traiding reciorses

Talk it out
Notes

We think it is important to talk it out because
We have a lot of issues to talk out
if you don’t talk, it sometimes get to step 3 (that’s bad!)
You need to protect your body

Talking to people
Notes

Talk to people instead of hitting
If you are shy talk
If you are a chatterbox let others have a chance to speak

How to stop polushin
Notes

Not cut down tree
Rideing bikes ensted of cars
Don’t wast water
Don’t kill animals
Don’t drive bad mpg cars
Drive hyurids
Don’t wast paper

Stop Palooting
Notes

New invechins
New fuels

Playing
Notes

If someone is playing and made up an idea it could lead to a big problem if they don’t include the other person in the idea
Playing is dangerus
You should not exclude other people

Closing Circle Comments
What did you find interesting? What did you learn?
Did you hear anything you haven’t thought about before?

If you want to save gas and not pollute the Earth, you should definitely carpool. I also want to give a compliment to my group for thinking of so much ideas.
Me and my group came up with pollution. I think I’m sort of helping because I carpool. And I think people should ride bikes and scooters and walk more often then just riding cars. And if you just want to go over to the next store neighbors or the ice cream shop down the road, even though it’s faster to go on a car, you should probably just walk or scooter or bike ride.
I agree with (another student) that you don’t need that many people, you only need like 5, you don’t need like 15 or 20 or 50. You don’t need huge numbers like that.
I learned that when everyone pitches in just a little bit, it can make a giant difference.
I discovered how to keep clean water
I discovered how pollution can make the air dirty and hurt people and animals
I learned about factories that are bad for the environment, and the importance of different energy sources
I learned that a lot of people were thinking about how cars pollute the earth
We talked about how to stop wars
I discovered a lot of people have ideas too.
I discovered that once you think about it, there is a lot more waste
I discovered there is a lot of things to change and like President Obama, we should start.
I learned it can actually be pretty fun to work with other people
Teacher: I learned that you all can have important conversations by yourselves and that you don’t need the adults there. I also learned that you can self-organize what you want to talk about.

Ten Practical New Year's Resolutions for Parents

2009-01-05T08:22:00.000-08:00

From Bright Horizons Family Solutions newsletter

1. Say yes more: to spending time and doing things together.

2. Say no more: to I want, I need, everyone has it, and everyone does it.

3. Worry less: about all the large and small highly sensationalized harm that exists out there. The overwhelming odds are with you (but drive carefully – without the cell phone).

4. Listen more; talk at less: Ask what do you think? What are you feeling? Tell me about it. What would you do?

5. Negotiate less; explain more: Our kids deserve to know the thinking behind our decisions and expectations, but should not be equal partners at the bargaining table. We are the parents.

6. Read a little more: to your child, with your child, and in front of your child – books, magazines, newspapers, notes.

7. Write a little more: notes of love, recognition, encouragement, responsibility, and daily appreciation of life.

8. Expect a little more: good behavior, responsibility, manners, kindness, and all of the goodness that lies within our children.

9. Expect a little less: constant scheduling and enrichment filled days. Slow down, you move too fast. Children need a lot of slow to grow.

10. Connect more: to family, friends, the community, those less fortunate, and the natural world.

'And' Instead of 'But'

2008-12-07T14:51:00.000-08:00

In a recent parenting group we had a conversation around the use of the word ‘and’ as opposed to the word ‘but' in certain situations. For example, “You really want my attention right now. And, I am already in a conversation. You can hold my hand and wait quietly until I am finished.” Or “I can see that you don’t like my decision. And right now it is time to get ready to leave. Do you want to put your shoes on here or in the car?”

After the group I was thinking that by using the word ‘and’, we are acknowledging the reality that there are 2 experiences being had. The child is having their experience and the adult is having their experience. Using the word ‘and’ allows us to say that we acknowledge and accept both realities. And… as the adult… we might have to set a limit or be in charge of the direction that is happening next. We are doing this, however, by accepting the reality that the child is feeling something different. If we use the word ‘but’ then we are saying, “I know you feel that way. But this is the real truth.” “You really want my attention right now. But I am already in a conversation. You can wait.” You want my attention, but that isn’t important. All that is important is that I am already talking and you can wait.

This subtle nuance is a way to practice kindness and firmness at the same time. We can be firm by stating and sticking to a limit. We can be kind in our tone of voice, a non-judgmental attitude, and by acknowledging the child’s reality and saying ‘Yes’ to what they’re feeling or experiencing even if we have to say ‘No’ to a behavior.

I'd love to hear other thoughts about this topic.

Stretched Beyond the Learning Zone

2008-10-03T09:58:00.000-07:00

video by Chrysalis Studios

I’ve been wanting to learn a new skill called Graphic Recording (watch the video to see a professional in action). I love to doodle, love listening for the essence of what a group is saying and enjoy trying to make the ideas and abstractions visual and concrete. I know that I am not a skilled drawer. I’ve never had a natural ability to draw real things (I do draw abstractions) and I’ve never practiced or taken a class to try and learn this skill. So off I went yesterday to a beginner’s graphic recording class to try and develop this new skill that I could integrate with an old one. At least that’s what I thought I was there to learn!

What I really learned about was the intensity of feeling overwhelmed, frozen, unable to act, stretched beyond my capacities to learn, inadequate, and unclear about where to start.

The first three fourths of the class I was doing great and enjoying myself. I was learning new things and loving that! We were going over basic lettering and drawing skills. The other participants in the room with me were 2 professional artists and 2 art history majors who work in other fields. My drawing station was sandwiched between the professional illustrator and the professional graphic artist. I was fine with that. As we’d draw various icons, I’d copy what the instructor drew, laugh at my attempts, keep trying, look around the room and learn from what others were drawing. I was humored by my products and inspired by those around me. Sometimes I was even impressed by what I drew. I felt comfortable with the fact that this was a skill that I currently didn’t have and that I was in the process of learning. I was mildly embarrassed at how un-people like my efforts to draw people were, but this was the time to learn and I was clearly showing up to learn so it was okay.

And then the last section of the class. We had two opportunities to do live graphic recording. First we listened as a brief article was read to us and we recorded. It was fast, confusing and my graphic was a mess. I could get words out but not images. I was flooded with information and stuck between trying to write down everything fast, create images, and fill my paper. Phew… it was done. My product was awful, but that was fine. To the garbage it went, a fine first experience. I learned how I had to slow down and really listen and not just try and write everything down (or I wouldn’t understand any of it).

Here we go, we’re doing it again. This time we’ve got a 10 minute lecture on dog training to graphically record. I know to save a lot of space, I know there is a lot of information (10 minutes worth) to get recorded on my 8 foot piece of paper. I’m going to go slow, listen to the heart of what is being said and record what moves through me.

Midway through this process, I reached beyond my stretch zone, beyond my learning zone and into a place where I felt frozen and inadequate. I was stretching myself on too many fronts and I was unable to find moments of success in any of them. The organization of ideas on my page was a mess, I wasn’t clear if I was capturing the main ideas, I had no idea how to even begin to draw a dog and there were many places where I wanted to, and I was trying to think of other images that would help my page not be all words. And all of these things that I didn’t know were effecting the things that I thought I did know. Even the words that I was writing were often too small, illegible and upon later viewing contained many misspellings. At one point the instructor noticed that I had frozen, that I was breaking down or giving up. She encouraged me to just keep going, record whatever comes through me. I felt a little bit of relief. Okay, just listen to what comes through you. The problem was that everything that emerged through me at this point was filtered through a feeling of inadequacy. I made it to the end. I spent the next 10 minutes along with my classmates ‘making it pretty,’ adding color, filling in details, trying to create a whole out of this mess. It was not fun. It felt pointless. There was no way to turn these parts into a decent final product.

As I shared this story with a friend, he kept asking if I was embarrassed. I was a little, but that wasn’t my strongest emotion. I was totally discouraged. All of the hope and possibility, all of my sense of ‘just keep trying,’ ‘you’re just learning,’ ‘just do what you can,’ ‘you’re learning a new skill’ had emptied out of me. I felt overwhelmed, inadequate and discouraged. And then, feeling all of that weight, I just wanted to quit.

The opportunity to experience paralysis and all of its accompanying emotions and responses was my greatest learning yesterday. While the experience itself was brief and passed, after the class I allowed myself to stay with that feeling of failure, the feeling that I couldn’t do it, the reality that I was stretched beyond where I had tools to help myself stay engaged. I slipped deeper and deeper into how little of a person I felt. It’s really hard for me to be asked to do something and then constantly be confronted with the fact that I can’t do it. There must be something wrong with me, right?

If I intellectually look at it now, I don't feel any of those things. However, in the moment, that is what captured me.

I think about a 5 year old friend of mine who at times expresses his emotions of anger and embarrassment by lashing out and hurting another person. I hear him, after the fact, telling me that he feels sad that he’s hurt the other person. I imagine that in the moment of lashing out and pinching another, there is a part of him that is aware that he’s ‘not doing it right’ and yet the other parts of him have no idea as to how to stop and act in a different way. Just like I haven’t learned the skills of drawing and graphic recording, he hasn’t learned the skills of recognizing his emotions, choosing how to respond and thus having a respectful engagement when he’s feeling a strong emotion. In those moments, does he feel the same sense of overwhelmed inadequacy as I did yesterday? Does he feel frozen with no ideas about where to successfully start?

In retrospect, there were many places that I could have started. I could have taken a deep breath. I could have picked one skill to work on instead of trying to accomplish all of them. I could have chosen to start with only paying attention to how I organize my page, or simply capturing the content, or just try to draw images, regardless of what they look like. Any of those would have been simple places for me to narrow this seemingly unapproachable task and find a place to make contact, to re-enter, to focus my attention. But in the moment, I didn’t see those doorways. I just felt paralyzed by this overwhelming flood of sensations, thoughts and feelings. And there was this non-stop voice of the lecture and the unyielding presence of this task I was supposed to be accomplishing staring me in the face.

I walked away from the experience with half of me feeling deflated, depleted, and quite down on myself. I was also frustrated and disappointed in that side of myself. I had kept such a great attitude, stayed so open to learning and so accepting of where I was in my skills and abilities. I had such courage to walk into something as a complete beginner with openness to learn. And then, once that place of being pushed beyond my capacities was activated in me, it was so hard to rediscover solid ground. Intellectually I was able to come back to the room, the group, and recognize the great job I did by just jumping in and trying. But experientially, it was like a toxic chemical had been released in me and it was hard to cleanse it out of me. On a small scale it feels like a dose of shock and trauma to my system. It was as if I had been stung by a bee. I wasn’t hurting that much any more, I was calm again. And yet the shock of being stung was still in my system and I could still feel the echo of the poison reverberating in my being.

And so the questions that I sit with: How do I recognize when others are stretched beyond their learning zone? How do I recognize and support them if they have hit a place of discouragement and despair? How can I offer children and adults opportunities to see places to start? And for myself, I hope that in the future I will recognize when I reach that break down place and will remember to narrow down my choices and find one place to focus my attention, finding a place to start.

Can You Help Me Write a Song?

2008-08-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

As a school counselor I host Friendship Groups in classrooms. In the past I was responsible for 15 classes (preschool through 3rd grade). This year my main focus is with 9 classes (1st-3rd) which is providing me an exciting opportunity to be more explicit in the curriculum that I use and develop. I imagine there will be more to share about that as the year proceeds.

At the moment I’m focusing on our starting rituals. An important element at the beginning of a group is some sort of shared ritual, shared experience. When I was a teacher with my own classroom, I used a song for this. When I entered this job with 15 classes that I move between I started my groups with a bell and moment of silence. Unfortunately, however, coming and going busily from one class to the next, I was inconsistent and eventually stopped using the bell regularly. This year I want the opening ritual to be sacred. To always start each group.

I would like to create a song that shapes the space and invites us to be connected to ourselves and connected to one another.

Qualities of the song that I am interested in:

I’d like the song to be punchy – to invite body movements and voice inflection, to invite us to wake up and be engaged! A celebration.
I’d like for the song to provide an opportunity to experience harmony with each other, a vocal sense of togetherness.
I would like the song to invite us to be in our bodies, connected to our hearts with open minds, ready to learn, and connected to each other.
I imagine that at the end of the song there is a brief moment of silence.

Below are some words I’ve been playing with… they’re not ‘right’ yet, but it will give you a sense of the direction I’ve been exploring.

And then comes the request (you knew this was coming, right!): Do you have ideas to add to the creation of this song? I’m not very developed in my musical sensibility. Are you? Do you have a tune to offer that this song could go to? Would you like to help me create this song? If you’re technologically inclined and want to share an audio idea with me, I believe you can sing into this site, odeo.com… or if you want to schedule a phone call, send me an email and we’ll set a date to talk (opening space (one word) @gmail.com).

Thank you so much for any help you have to offer.

The latest version I’ve been playing with:

You and me are here right now
Alive in our bodies
I’ve got an open mind
Ready for new ideas

I’m going to listen from my heart
I’m going to speak from my heart

You and me are here right now
Let’s feel us here together

….bell….

Counting to 4

2008-07-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

Here's a song I like that was re-worked for Sesame Street. How cute!

I love counting!

Summer Fun - Experiments!

2008-05-31T16:49:00.000-07:00

These look like they could provide some quality summer time entertainment. Enjoy!

Hunkins Experiments

The Power of Developing New Habits

2008-05-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

Can You Become a Creature of New Habits?
By JANET RAE-DUPREE

Rather than dismissing ourselves as unchangeable creatures of habit, we can instead direct our own change by consciously developing new habits. In fact, the more new things we try — the more we step outside our comfort zone — the more inherently creative we become, both in the workplace and in our personal lives.

Brain researchers have discovered that when we consciously develop new habits, we create parallel synaptic paths, and even entirely new brain cells, that can jump our trains of thought onto new, innovative tracks.

But don’t bother trying to kill off old habits; once those ruts of procedure are worn into the hippocampus, they’re there to stay. Instead, the new habits we deliberately ingrain into ourselves create parallel pathways that can bypass those old roads.

“The first thing needed for innovation is a fascination with wonder,” says Dawna Markova, author of “The Open Mind” and an executive change consultant for Professional Thinking Partners. “But we are taught instead to ‘decide,’ just as our president calls himself ‘the Decider.’ ” She adds, however, that “to decide is to kill off all possibilities but one. A good innovational thinker is always exploring the many other possibilities.”

Researchers in the late 1960s discovered that humans are born with the capacity to approach challenges in four primary ways: analytically, procedurally, relationally (or collaboratively) and innovatively. At puberty, however, the brain shuts down half of that capacity, preserving only those modes of thought that have seemed most valuable during the first decade or so of life.

This is where developing new habits comes in. If you’re an analytical or procedural thinker, you learn in different ways than someone who is inherently innovative or collaborative. Figure out what has worked for you when you’ve learned in the past, and you can draw your own map for developing additional skills and behaviors for the future.

“I apprentice myself to someone when I want to learn something new or develop a new habit,” Ms. Ryan says. “Other people read a book about it or take a course. If you have a pathway to learning, use it because that’s going to be easier than creating an entirely new pathway in your brain.”

“Whenever we initiate change, even a positive one, we activate fear in our emotional brain,” Ms. Ryan notes in her book. “If the fear is big enough, the fight-or-flight response will go off and we’ll run from what we’re trying to do. The small steps in kaizen don’t set off fight or flight, but rather keep us in the thinking brain, where we have access to our creativity and playfulness.”

“Try lacing your hands together,” Ms. Markova says. “You habitually do it one way. Now try doing it with the other thumb on top. Feels awkward, doesn’t it? That’s the valuable moment we call confusion, when we fuse the old with the new.”

AFTER the churn of confusion, she says, the brain begins organizing the new input, ultimately creating new synaptic connections if the process is repeated enough.

But if, during creation of that new habit, the “Great Decider” steps in to protest against taking the unfamiliar path, “you get convergence and we keep doing the same thing over and over again,” she says.

“You cannot have innovation,” she adds, “unless you are willing and able to move through the unknown and go from curiosity to wonder.”

All of the text and image is from the New York Times article, Can You Become a Creature of New Habits? Image by Christophe Vorlet

Reflective Communication and Emotion Coaching

2008-05-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

Spring Parenting Group: Group 4

Reflective Communication: Actively Listening and Acknowledging Feelings

Feelings are a means of communicating and not a problem to be fixed. To support a child’s healthy social and emotional development, it is important to look beyond his or her behavior to the feeling that is being communicated. Attending to your child in this way will help the child experience, recognize and trust his or her own feelings.

Reflective Communication:

Demonstrates parent’s interest in the child
Provides children with labels for their feelings, helping them to now how to talk about feelings and increasing their ability to express emotions in constructive ways
Communicates acceptance of the child’s feelings and needs
Helps children accept themselves – When they feel accepted by their parents they then internalize the sense of accepting themselves
Provides structure so the child feels in control
Is a way of following, rather than leading
Allows children an opportunity to clarify any misunderstanding the parents have of the child’s intentions or feelings
Communicates the message:

I am here
I hear you
I understand
I care

NOT:

I always agree
I must make you happy
I will solve your problems

Your Attention in Powerful. Your Reflective Attention is Empowering.

To acknowledge feelings:

1. Listen quietly and with your full attention.

2. Acknowledge that you are listening to them with a word (it can also be a grunt or moan that mirrors the emotional tone of what they are sharing!)
Oh… mmmm…I see…

3. Give their feelings a name.
You feel angry. You’re confused that she said that. You’re excited.

For children over 7 you can give their feeling a name in the form of a question or an I-wonder statement.
Were you angry? I wonder if you were confused. Are you thrilled that that happened?

How Adults Stop Children's Feelings

From the article Children's Feelings By Deborah Critzer

"Some of the ways which we as parents unknowingly stop feelings in children are:
Rescuing,Punishing, Solving the Problem, Moralizing, Denial, Humiliating, Pitying, Lecturing

Some ways to encourage feelings are:
Be Empathetic, Validate Feelings, Identify Feelings, Listen Intently, Be Curious, Invite Expression of Feelings"

Read the article to find out what kinds of effects the feeling stoppers have on children and to see examples of how to encourage feelings.

Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
from John Gottman, Ph.D. and Talaris Research Institute

Step 1 - Emotional Awareness

Step 2 - Recognizing Emotions As An Opportunity For Intimacy And Teaching

Step 3 - Listening Empathetically And Validating The Child's Feelings

Step 4 - Labeling Emotions

Step 5 - Setting Limits While Helping the Child Problem-Solve

Suggested Reading from Parenting Group Information CD

Reflective and Empowering Communication

Reflective Communication/ Acknowledging Feelings
Strengthening Relationships Through Respectful Communication
Empowering Communication Ideas
Questions and Cautions about Reflective Communication
Praise and Encouragement
Teaching Children Skills

Articles about Feelings and Communication

Children’s Feelings
The Perils and Promises of Praise or How Not To Talk To Your Kids
I Feel Your Brain
Secrets of Parenting

A Song Can Lessen the Fear

2008-05-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

Sderot, Israel is near the boarder with Gaza and is a city that experienced (experiences?) a constant threat of Qassam rockets being fired into the city. When a rocket is spotted, there is a "Red Color" alert that is sounded warning people to take cover.

Residents of Sderot have about less than a minute to get to a place of safety when they hear the warning "Red Color" announcing an incoming rocket (spotted by those who watch for them). Hearing a Red Color causes panic in many, especially children. ~ Source

“Children experienced real developmental regressions, some began bedwetting,” she said. “They were getting hysterical when the alarm sounded – some freezing in place, unable to seek cover. One day I felt like ‘now is the time’ and I took this song I'd made up to a kindergarten class.” ~ Source

It is not hard to believe that repetitively experiencing alarming threats to one's life from 'out of the sky' would cause trauma for children. The following video is an example of how one woman helped create change for many children. She could not change the threat of the rockets, but she found ways to shape the experience so that the children were not stripped of all of their power and understanding but could, instead, become active participants in the event. The song she created for the children to sing integrates EMDR therapy, somatic exercises and relaxation techniques to help the fear and tension of the warnings move through the children's bodies, and hopefully freeing them from some of the terror.

I am very inspired by this video. I wonder, what simple ways can we each use in our lives and with those whose lives we touch to gently reshape the ways we experience something, decreasing the impact of fear and unknowing?

What is Happening Beneath the Surface?

2008-04-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

Spring Parenting Group: Group 3

A lot of time with kids is spent trying to get them to do various things, to care about various things, to learn various things. “I want you to be this way, doing this.”

A powerful key to meaningful interactions with children is being able to meet the child where he or she is. Can we notice what’s happening with the child that is in front of us? Can we focus on them and discover what they are trying to communicate to us?

A Person is Like an Iceberg

“[Virginia Satir] compared the person to an iceberg, in that only a small part of him or her was observable or apparent, while the largest part was invisible, hidden under water. When we do not know a person, we are only aware of the visible part, while the most important aspects of knowing a person deal with understanding the hidden layers, where each of us spends most of our time. We need to understand yearnings, expectations, feelings, perceptions, and coping mechanisms of a person to have access to his or her self.”

~ Michele Baldwin in The Use of Self in Therapy

It can be easy to notice and respond (react) to a child's behaviors and words. And if that is all we pay attention to, we miss the opportunity to teach them that their inner world, their thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, are real and able to be experienced by other human beings. We help children to better know and understand themselves by listening deeply to what is being communicated beneath the surface and reflecting that back to them. We help them understand their inner world by noticing their inner world and letting them know that we are willing and able to connect with them there. This helps to build strong and trusting relationships.

Development
Understanding development helps us look closer at what is happening beneath the surface.

Robert Kegan says, “If you want to understand another person in some fundamental way you must know where that person is in his or her evolution.” The Evolving Self p. 113

Development Resources
On CD:

Kegan – Piaget Development
Kegan Stages Illustrations

In the Packet:

from the book Yardsticks
from the book How Much is Enough?

The author of Yardsticks also writes regularly about development and other school related topics at his blog.

Seeds of Compassion - Get Involved

2008-04-10T12:12:00.001-07:00

Seeds of Compassion is here.

Some of the event details will follow... but first I'm so proud to share a video and article about a first and second grade class at my school that is using the Seeds of Compassion curriculum and was visited by Lama Tenzin a few weeks ago and King5 news. Please watch.

“I think you can get a little bit of compassion out of everybody. I think everybody is somewhat compassionate.” Mila Kopp, age 8

If you're in Seattle and don't have tickets, you can still participate. There are 80 amazing workshops happening at the Seattle Center Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Take a look. They are all free and first come, first serve. You can also catch many of the ticketed events on local television or online and/or go to a viewing party somewhere in the Seattle-area.

And for those of you around the world, you too can enjoy this historical event. Seeds of Compassion will be making available live and archived webcasts of the events. All webcasts are translated into 24 languages for a global audience.

You can also host a viewing party or a Compassion Circle in your area as a way to connect with others who see the value in and importance of a growing compassion movement. And finally, the Seeds of Compassion website and Wiki are filled with information and resources about all things related to Social and Emotional wellbeing and fostering more compassion in our world. Please take advantage of this collection of materials.

"Because we all share this planet Earth, we have to learn to live in harmony and peace with each other and with nature. This is not just a dream, but a necessity."~ The Dalai Lama

Hear See Love, Positive Disciline, Emotion Coaching

2008-03-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

Spring Parenting Group: Group 2

The Hizzle (Hearing, Seeing, Loving)

“All people want and need to be Heard, Seen and Loved” (HSL).

— In That Order —

When the HSL need is thwarted — mischief occurs.

This is a teaching that the Dalai Lama shared with Mark Jones in 2001. Since then Jones has been observing the outcomes of when individuals do not feel heard, seen or loved. He invites others to experiment with what happens when we Hizzle (HSL) ourselves and others. What happens when we make a conscious effort to Hear, See and Love?

Jones has observed that when people do not feel heard, they respond by shouting or becoming deafeningly silent. If they do not feel seen, the may bully and/or intimidate or become shy and/or hide. When individuals do not feel loved they express a “Come Here — Go Away” isolating type of dynamic, wanting to be close and connected and then wanting to push away and express disconnection.

We have the opportunity to notice when someone else is not feeling heard, seen or loved and/or to notice when we are not feeling heard, seen or loved. From there, we have the ability to make a different choice and to take the time and energy to Hizzle ourselves and others.

Have you had an experience of feeling heard, seen or loved recently? If so and you have a moment to share, please do so in the comments below.

Click here to read more about the Hizzle for Children.

Positive Discipline
In last week's Parenting Group we also explored foundational elements of Positive Discipline, reflecting on how all behavior has a purpose and the goal of behavior is belonging (a sense of connection) and meaning (a feeling of significance). As one parent pointed out, the way to experience belonging and significance is to feel Heard, Seen and Loved.

We looked at a matrix of Kindness and Firmness, exploring parenting styles and focusing on a way that has a lot of kindness and a lot of firmness at the same time; showing dignity and respect to all humans while supporting children by setting limits and knowing when to adapt those limits. We stressed the importance of mutual respect -- respecting ourselves and respecting the other.

We reflected on the Perception Cycle, recognizing that people are continually making decisions based on how they perceive the world.

An excellent resource is Jane Nelson's Blog, Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelson. As I'm publishing this, her top entry is Morning Power Struggles (Again).

What We Do When Children's Emotions Run Hot

“In my research I discovered that love by itself wasn’t enough to become a good parent. Very concerned, warm, and involved parents often had attitudes toward their own and their children’s emotions that got in the way of being able to talk to their children when they were sad or afraid or angry. While love by itself was not enough, channeling that caring into some basic skills that parents practice as if they were coaching their children in the area of emotion, was enough. The secret lay in how parents interacted with their children when emotions ran hot.”
~From the Preface of Dr. Gottman’s book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

How one feels about feelings can predict significant elements of parenting styles.

In group we explored feelings that we don't really like, that make us uncomfortable... especially when children are experiencing them.

Visit here for more information on John Gottman's work and Emotion Coaching.

Reccomended Reading:
From CD

What is Positive Discipline Article
Understanding Behavior
Article: Secrets of Parenting

From Packet

Kindness and Firmness
Vocabulary of Feeling Words

Artwork at the top of the page is by by Jessica, Age 8 from the What Does Compassion Look Like Campaign.

Spring Parenting Group: Group 1

2008-03-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

I will be using this website to update parents about the recommended reading material and online resources that compliment a face-to-face Parenting Group that is happening through May 14th.

Parenting Group: March 19, 2008

We explored our intentions for the group, group agreements (norms for how we wish to be together) and "What We Wish Someone Had Taught Us." Here is a list of what some past parents had wished they had be taught.

We talked about various elements of the brain. I mentioned some of the work of Jill Bolte Taylor. You can view her talk in the video below. We discussed how a challenge is to use both halves of our brain... to stay in the present moment, be attentive to what is happening right now with ourselves and the child. At the same time, we can be be noticing the details, inquiring about motivations, recognizing our own needs and feelings, recognizing the child's needs and feelings, and choosing how to respond from the myriad of possibilities.

Here is a quote from Daniel Siegel:

"The brain is an associational organ and matches present firing patterns with those of the past. The brain is an anticipation machine - linking the present with what it expects in the future based on experiences in the past."

View the original source, a Power Point Presentation.

We ended the group with a Parents Helping Parents process, generating ideas for a particularly challenging situation that one parent brought forth.

Recommended Reading from the CD

Breathing Room story
Responding Consciously and Compassionately
Resources for Caring Adults: Supporting Social and Emotional Well-being
Understanding Behavior Through the Adlerian Approach

Brain Info found on the CD

Brain in Hand
Mirror Neurons

If you have time and interest, please also take a moment to look through the other reading materials and if there is information that it is important for you that we cover during our group, please let me know.

Thanks.

Roots of Empathy on CBS

2008-02-24T13:56:00.000-08:00

Another taste of Roots of Empathy

The Dalai Lama on Educating the Heart

2008-02-23T11:33:00.000-08:00

In 2006 I attended the Vancouver Dialogues hosted by the Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education. Below are some notes of comments made by the Dalai Lama on the topic of Educating the Heart. You can hear the full webcast here.

Dalai Lama speaking on Educating the Heart

We can learn from basic human beings, not sophisticated people. They sometimes create artificial abilities that give us confusion. I prefer more uneducated people in education. We can learn much from young children. They are still unspoiled… unspoiled is much easier to distinguish in the beginning of life – once it is dirty, it’s harder to clean up. Like water that gets dirty.

“Children are more capable of naturally expressing what is fundamental to human beings.”

The fundamentals – being playful, smiling, joking… not just knowledge.

“Sometimes we take more serious artificial constructs of the human mind at the expense of what is very natural to the human mind.”

“I’m just another contributor here and still searching. I’m not here to give answers. Now is time to establish a body or group that has experience and do more research and find out evidence. If we rely on religious belief, it further complicates – what religion to choose? So universal, humanity in general, needs the focus. Can’t promote universal values on religious basis. Must use secular basis. Nobody can dispute the point that compassion and love is good. Research is needed, educational institutes to carry on the work. Non-governmental programs are more useful. Teachers, communities, parents. I am like others. It is easier to see the faults. More difficult to find answers.

This is a moral crisis, the gaps between education and the poor. Younger people will face more problems in the future. We need to not take for granted the existing system. Reality is changing and we have to find new ways to deal with reality so education has to change. . . Focusing on honesty, self-confidence, determination…”

This stuff is natural and it is our duty to be courageous speaking about it. We need research and to prove to the world that social and emotional realm and the goodness in all of us is important. Teaching people to care about community and to give them the opportunity to excel in communities.

Screen Time for Children

2008-02-08T20:41:00.000-08:00

I'm doing some research for a curriculum project of articulating social and emotional developmental standards for students ages three to fourteen.

I found the excerpt below about media and screen time in the Washington State Early Learning and Development Benchmarks guide:
"Inappropriate use of media/screen time (e.g. television, videos, comptuter and video games) can negatively impact a child's social and emotional development by contributing to aggressive behavior, desenitization to violence, nightmares, and fear of being harmed. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends discouraging screen time for children younger than 2 and encouraging interactive activitie that will promote brain development (e.g., playing, talking, singing, and reading together). For older children, the AAP recommends that caregivers limit children's total media/screen time to no more than 1 to 2 hours per day of quality children's programming."

Empathy

2008-02-08T20:39:00.001-08:00

Empathy by Mikala
Age 6

Pen and Ink. Unsolicited gift to mom. Has been hanging on the fridge...

Speaking of empathy and compassion, look at this recent entry to the What Does Compassion Look Like? Campaign. Wow.

Roots of Empathy

2008-02-08T20:38:00.001-08:00

Here are some articles and a video about Roots of Empathy, another program I am involved in that Seeds of Compassion has brought to the Seattle area. I'll also take this moment to express my gratitude for being connected with these amazing initiatives. A deep source of hope and inspiration for our future.

Parent Map - Teaching Empathy: Seattle Launches a Compassion Movement
The Wall Street Journal - Learn by Cooing: Empathy Lessons from Little Tykes
Seattle PI - Anti-bullying Program Aims to Teach Students Empathy
Seattle's Child - Subject: Empathy 101 Instructor: Baby Elsa (scroll down for the article)

What Does Compassion Look Like?

2008-02-08T20:35:00.002-08:00

Hello,

You are absolutely the perfect people to share your art, wisdom and participation with this exciting Seeds of Compassion initiative: What Does Compassion Look Like? The campaign is geared towards children and you adults are welcome to participate as well. Invite some of your children's friends over (any ages), tell their teachers, volunteer to work with an after-school group at a nearby school or at your community center, call your nieces, nephews, grandchildren and friends together, share this information with anyone and everyone across the globe that interacts with children. Let's help the children's expressions shine and be seen so that our communities may learn from the wisdom that youth have to teach us about compassion.

Bird by Anna, Age 13, Lake Washington Girls Middle School

I was inspired by the warmth and compassion that a phoenix represents. To me, warm colors always evoke hope, kindness, and all that this campaign encourages

Compassion comes in all shapes and sizes, but it means the same thing wherever you go. Compassion is the ability to believe in something with your whole body, mind, and soul. It is the ability to devote your time, and even your life to a cause. Everyone thrives with compassion, it is the light that makes all things grow.

~ Indigo M., Grade 7, Seattle Girls School

This is your opportunity to explore what compassion is to you - how it shows up in your life, how you think it affects the world, what happens when we live without compassion. This is an invitation for you to create and express. Please share your experiences and views of compassion through drawings, photography, poetry, videos, spoken word – whatever medium resonates for you.

This project is part of the amazing initiative, Seeds of Compassion, whose intention is to bring compassion to the lives of children and adults throughout Washington State and beyond. Together we can create a more compassionate today and tomorrow.

I picture a world full of the sound of peace,
and empty of the racket of violence.
~ Gamada, Age 11, ArtsCorps

The Loving Owls by Javon
Age 7, Giddens School.
Compassion means showing others that you care for them
and that you will stick up for them when they need help.

P.S. If you do participate (which I hope you will) please make sure to let me know so that I can see and share your artwork with our community here. And if you're an adult and want to participate, don't let the focus towards children stop you. Let your creative expression flow!!

Seeds of Compassion New Website

2008-02-08T20:35:00.001-08:00

"Seeds of Compassion is an initiative to nurture kindness and compassion in the world starting with children and all those who touch their lives. By connecting parents, educators, and caregivers, Seeds of Compassion will inspire and empower adults and youth in the development of kinder and more compassionate local and global communities."

One of the things I've been involved in lately is this incredibly exciting and inspiring initiative, Seeds of Compassion. They have just launched their new website filled with many resources. I am particularly excited to dive into the classroom resources provided for educators. I know I'll be using the curriculum in my Friendship Groups and sharing them with other teachers. Have a look. There is also information for kids/teens, parents, and businesses/government and ways for everyone to get involved.

Stay tuned as I'll definitely be sharing more when the What Does Compassion Look Like? campaign launches and information for hosting your own Compassion Circle. And perhaps one day I'll also write about my own personal reflections on why this initiative is so inspiring to me!!

Age Appropriate Skills for Children

2007-06-11T07:13:00.000-07:00

Here's a little article that I wrote for my school's Alumi Newsletter.

Did you know that your five year old is capable of taking out the garbage or sweeping the floor, your seven year old can help change the sheets on the bed or put dishes in the dishwasher, your twelve year old can cook meals for the family or do his own laundry, and your teenager can purchase her own clothes with a budgeted clothing allowance or do heavier yard work.

Many children are denied the opportunity to contribute to their families and communities in such valuable ways. They aren’t given a chance to learn essential skills for caring for themselves and others. Well-intentioned adults do things for children that they are capable of doing for themselves. As a result, the children learn to under-function, displaying trained helplessness and learned incompetence.

In a parenting group we explored age appropriate skills that kids are capable of doing for themselves. Many parents felt the a-ha that their child was capable of taking on some new responsibilities at home. Addressing this change with their child also gave them an opportunity to apologize to their child and admit that they had made a mistake. Children love to hear when adults make mistakes. In addition, modeling making mistakes is a powerful way to help address a child’s perfectionistic tendencies.

Below is one parent’s account of how she surprised her son with an apology and gave him an opportunity to feel empowered and begin taking control of one aspect of his life.

“I had still been picking out clothes for my 8-year-old son every morning. I had tried over the last few years to get him to pick his own clothes (“just pick something – what’s the big deal – it’s just a shirt and pants – your little sister has been picking her own clothes since she was 3…”) but he always acted like it was an overwhelming task and he had no idea what to pick. It made the morning go more smoothly if I just pulled out the clothes for him. After a few parenting classes, I told him that I had learned how much kids can do at different ages. Then I told him that I owed him an apology. He straightened up, taken aback, looking very happily interested in this unusual conversation. I told him that I knew that he was capable of picking out his own clothes and had been for many years, but that I had not been giving him the chance to do this for himself, and that this wasn’t fair to him. He looked honored. The first day after this little talk, I came by and asked him if he had an idea of what he might pick to wear that day. He told me what he was thinking and I said that it sounded like a good choice. Since then, he’s just shown up at breakfast, dressed, without any fuss.”

What Can We Give to Others?

2007-05-06T19:53:00.000-07:00

We each have a lot to give.

“Each of us possesses a wealth of ideas, talents, skills, and the fruits of our interests that we can share with others. Some people give their singing, some give vegetables from their garden, some give cookies, some give poems or paintings.” Some give compliments, some give encouragement.

“Even if all personal skills and talents were set aside, there are some things that we all can give: time, energy, and attention.”

“If, as a society, we want to raise caring adults, it will be important to provide opportunities for young people to find out what their gifts are and to experience themselves as givers – active, aware givers.”

“We will also want our children to practice being receivers – active, aware receivers. Willingness to receive from another is an additional gift that we all have to give. Receiving a gift with genuine acknowledgment and appreciation for the giver generates a flow of goodwill. The result is that each person is an equal partner in a dance of mutual giving.”

from The Compassionate Classroom by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson.

In the Kindergarten classes we discussed that we all have things that we can share and give to others. I asked the students what they have to give to others. Here is what the three classes came up with:

* Love
* Thanks
* Friendship
* Our body and energy to help win a game
* A house
* Confidence
* Expectance
* Respect
* Fool’s gold
* Songs – say or play them
* Clothes
* Leggos/toys
* Ice cream
* Animals
* Water bottles
* Listening
* Ideas
* Patience Sharing with others
* Valentine’s day cards
* Clothes – to people and children that need things
* Money to people to buy things
* Buy toys for others
* Listen to them
* Gifts
* Attention
* Money from our allowance (give to the poor)
* Smiles
* Songs
* Hugs
* Things that they need
* Listen, Give them attention
* Kisses
* Letters
* Packages
* Papers
* Pictures
* Poems
* Kindness
* Doing good things – running, climbing
* Tips
* Valentine hugs
* Hugs
* Skills to protect themselves
* Help to people
* Valentine kisses
* Moves to help themselves
* Candy and presents

It was also mentioned that some families have a “Give Away Basket” or “Goodwill Basket” where anyone in the family can put clothes or toys or other items to give to others who are not as fortunate as we are.

Making Our Fraction of the World a Better Place

2007-05-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

A small group of third grade boys decided they wanted to discuss the topic of How to make school a better place and improve it. The conversation went to the topic of global warming. I asked the students if they really thought that it was possible for the seven of us in this room to do something that could make a difference. One child responded, “We can help make our fraction of the world a better place.” Below are the ideas and comments that emerged around this theme.

What can we do right now to make our fraction of the world a better place?

Help with Global Warming

Water all the plants to help since with global warming there is not enough water in parts of the Earth.
Use lights less
Get a car that doesn’t run on gas
Don’t waste paper
Use water sparingly
Use biodiesel

“Lots of people are suffering from global warming – some are people I know who don’t have enough water.”

Use less water

Take showers instead of baths. Take short showers
Turn off water when shaving or brushing your teeth
Don’t flush the toilet if you don’t have to

“I did an experiment. I took a one minute bath and a one minute shower. The bath took more water. That surprised me. Showers can be more effective.”

“In some places you can’t even water your garden. That’s sad.”

“If you’re doing something that seems normal to you, think about other people who can’t do that.”

Ashley asks, “What are some things that we have or are doing right now that other people might not have?”

We have toys in here that others don’t have
Watches
Access to special drinks that others don’t have
Health and protection
Medicine
Electricity
Warm clothing

More things we can do to make our fraction of the world a better place

* Turn lights off if you don’t need them
* Use light bulbs that use less electricity
* Think about how we can help people that don’t have as much as we do
* Donate foot, water, money, shelter, clothes, tents
* Donate books that you are not reading anymore or if you have more than one copy
* Have a yard sale and then donate some or all of the money that you make
* You can donate to the donation truck or Salvation Army

“Little things can lead up to big things… like pushing in chairs to make more space.”

More things we can do right now to make our fraction of the world a better place:

Respect elders and older people.

They don’t want to feel like idiots or to feel like they’re crazy because they’re old.
They are wise because they’ve learned a lot of stuff through going through life.
They’ve witnessed things that other people haven’t – they know what it’s like
Ask them questions and inquire about their life.

The Value of Class Meetings

2007-05-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

In a recent Positive Discipline training, Primary Division teachers brainstormed what students learn through participating in class meetings:

Compromise
Cooperation
I’m important
How to respectfully disagree
Other people care
Patience
Planning skills
Perspective about problems
Ability to lighten up
Strategies for problem solving
Other’s perspectives
Prioritizing
Listening skills
That they have a voice
Persuasion
Negotiation
Taking turns
There is more than one answer/perspective
There is more than one solution

Turning the Television Off

2007-05-06T19:41:00.000-07:00

Personal account from a parent (not me)

We had the typical struggles with our 8 year old son; do your home work, do your chores, practice piano, do some reading. It seemed there were not enough hours in the day. Then we realized that by having the TV on, it was all too easy to watch “just another 15 minutes” which turned into just another half hour and another struggle to brush teeth, get ready for bed and still have time for bedtime reading. So my husband and I made a conscious decision to turn off the TV. There would be no TV during the week on school nights, Friday night was reserved for “family movie night” to watch a movie that we would all enjoy and Saturday morning was our son’s time for cartoons.

Our son moaned about our decision but after only three days he came to me and said that we should have done this a long time ago because now we have more time to spend together. We now have a routine that my son really likes and extra free time to play together which we never seemed to have had before. Everyone is happie

Giving Information Rather Than Nagging

2007-05-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

Personal account from a parent (not me!)

A couple weeks ago we were playing outside after school. I was talking with other Moms and my child rode by on a scooter—he’d taken his socks off and was having fun telling us, “I don’t have my socks on!” as he zoomed back and forth.

It was freezing and I called to him a few times to “Put your socks on!” He didn’t. Then, having just read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk the evening before, I tried, a few minutes later, walking over to him when he was by himself quietly playing in the wood chips. Looking in his eyes I said simply “It’s cold and you don’t have your shoes on.” He didn’t say anything but immediately walked over and put his shoes on. It was amazing!

What We'd Like to Learn

2007-04-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

Another inspiring list generated in a recent parenting group:

What we wish someone had taught us:

Listen from the perspective of who you are communicating with.
How to calm yourself when agitated or stressed.
How to spell!
How to be empathic and careful and conscious of the consequences of words.
Be present – in the moment you’re in.
Encourage first, teach second.
How to sort through thoughts and emotions.
How to figure out what I really want.
That emotional intelligence is just as important as cognitive intelligence
How to think ahead.
How to trust your instincts/intuition.

Childhood Memories from a Workaholic

2007-03-18T11:48:00.000-07:00

A professionally successful woman in her late 40’s began to recognize that she was a workaholic. With this new awareness came a difficult practice of re-prioritizing where she expends her time and energy. During this process she wondered what situations in her early life might have helped shape her belief that to belong and be valued, she had to work hard and be successful. Below is a passage from her journal.

I offer this genuine account as a resource to help us better understand the ways in which children perceive how others respond to them, construct beliefs based upon those perceptions, and then make life decisions that stem from those beliefs. I wonder if any of the children in our lives could relate to parts of this story? I also invite us to continue to explore unconditional ways that we can help reinforce each child’s inherent value.

When did I first start showing signs of workaholism?

As a young child, pre-school age, I had lots of time to kill. My parents both worked and we were often left in the charge of my oldest sister. My brother often beat up on me if we played together, and our house was out in the suburbs, at a time when the suburbs were still mainly woods. If we weren’t out in the woods “exploring” or making forts, then I would be in the house, reading--always the safest choice with my brother around. I could read at a very early age, and I learned to write well before I went to school.

Going to school was very traumatic for me. I felt abandoned by my Mom, and terrified of all the other kids. I guess that makes sense because I pretty much grew up knowing only a handful of kids in our isolated neighborhood. Most of my play time was spent alone, or with my brother, doing unstructured kinds of things rather than playing games.

Because I had never socialized with other kids, I didn’t know what to do during recess. I often walked around by myself. I came to prefer class to recess, and if I could, stayed in at recess to keep working (aha!). I was much more comfortable with the teacher or teacher’s aide, than out on the playground, because it felt so dangerous (all those kids I didn’t know, playing games I didn’t know how to play). Reading was always an acceptable activity--both at home and at school.

I don’t remember being competitive, though, at least for the first two years. I liked the activities (reading groups, making things)….For my first two years of school, I tried hard to do well (but was not the outstanding achiever) and more than anything, I wanted to make friends and be accepted.

We moved when I was eight years old, two things happened:
I was no longer invisible. Because of my accent, the other kids made fun of me (“you talk slow”), and
because of the better schools where I was from, I was one or two years ahead of my classmates.
First, I got lots of attention from the teachers because I performed so well. Second, because I was so “smart” the other kids stopped teasing me, and I had some cache as a playmate in competitive learning games. On the playground, marbles was the big game, and I learned how to play, and became a master marble player. Marbles is an everyman-for-himself kind of game, not one that fosters a sense of team spirit or collaboration. Plus we played "for keeps" and I amassed an impressive collection of beautiful marbles that I my parents would never have bought for me. In fact, because of my prowess, playing marbles was banned by the school (after parents complained that their children were spending money on marbles and then losing them). I earned respect on the playground, and in the classroom. In my old town, I was not special. In the new city, I was.

In the fourth grade, I was often rewarded with special privileges for being done with work. I ran messages for the teachers, I got to set up activities, and when they started a gifted program, I got to participate (lots of fun learning activities that were self-paced, rather than the rote learning of most classroom activities). My friends were all the gifted students. Being smart and hardworking was what set us apart and gave us our privileges.

At home, the one thing that got praise from Mom was my working hard to help her. So, between school and working at home, the pattern was set. Hard work, and being the best at something, was what made me worthwhile, made me somebody.

The Peril of Praise

2007-03-06T07:53:00.000-08:00

This New York Magazine article, How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise has been making its way through the email circuit. I found it to be a great article, well worth the read if you are involved in the lives of children (and adults!). Also, here is a handout that you can download that complements this article.

For a few decades, it's been noted that a large percentage of all gifted students (those who score in the top 10 percent on aptitude tests) severely underestimate their own abilities. Those afflicted with this lack of perceived competence adopt lower standards for success and expect less of themselves. They underrate the importance of effort, and they overrate how much help they need from a parent.

[In a research study, fifth-grade students were] randomly divided into groups, some were praised for their intelligence. They were told, "You must be smart at this." Other students were praised for their effort: "You must have worked really hard."

Dweck had suspected that praise could backfire, but even she was surprised by the magnitude of the effect. "Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control," she explains. "They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child's control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure."

[In another study, students were taught] that the brain is a muscle. Giving it a harder workout makes you smarter. That alone improved their math scores.

Baumeister has come to believe the continued appeal of self-esteem is largely tied to parents' pride in their children's achievements: It's so strong that "when they praise their kids, it's not that far from praising themselves."

What would it mean, to give up praising our children so often? Well, if I am one example, there are stages of withdrawal, each of them subtle. In the first stage, I fell off the wagon around other parents when they were busy praising their kids. I didn't want Luke to feel left out. I felt like a former alcoholic who continues to drink socially. I became a Social Praiser.

These are only some scattered clips... there's much more in the article!!

Ways To Care For Ourselves

2007-01-20T10:44:00.000-08:00

Here are some ideas that emerged in a staff training while exploring ways that we can take care of ourselves... The really important work that is an essential part of being present with and caring for others.

Sleep
Listen to or play music
Go out
Exercise
Sing
Have alone time
Do yoga
Watch sit-coms
Watch a movie
Have sex
Drink a glass of wine
Talk to others
Do nothing
Do needle work
Snuggle
Walk
Create, do art
Dance
Take a bath
Read a book
Meditate/pray
Soak in a hot tub
Pet your cat

Working With The Whole Community

2007-01-18T11:16:00.000-08:00

In December I was looking ahead at projects that I am involved in.

With children in Kindergarten, our friendship groups we will be meeting once a month to explore a specific theme. I believe this next group will focus on the difference between celebrating our accomplishments and successes and braggin... with subtle attention towards competition and comparison.

In the combined 1st/2nd grade classes I hosted mini open spaces where the students posted topics that they thought would be valuable to explore in friendship groups. They then had 3 stickers each with their name on it that they could vote with. Their vote means that they will definitely be involved in that exploration. Some groups will be with the whole class, some will be small groups in my office and some will be one-on-one. A sample list of those topics will come later.

In the third grade we are meeting in small groups based in some classes on gender and others more on personality type. Each group decides for themselves what topics we will be exploring. That list will also come later!

What We Wish Someone Had Taught Us

2006-12-18T17:49:00.000-08:00

What do you know about life? What do you know about love? What do you know about raising or educating children?

In a recent parenting group, participants took a few moments to silently reflect upon those very same questions, listening within to the knowing that emerged. Following that exploration, parents then reflected upon their own childhood and what they wish someone had taught them. They also explored qualities they would give to their children as a gift if they could. Below are their responses. May these offerings center our attention around some of the things that bring meaning and value into our lives, deepening our awareness of how we can support and encourage the wholesome development of children.

We wish someone had taught us

The importance of showing up reliably, doing your best
To take advantage of great opportunities
How to turn a traumatic experience into something to grow from
How to trust your own instincts (not override them)
Making mistakes is important
That I’m good enough. Self-esteem. Self-love
You don’t have to change the world to be successful or happy
Communicate what you feel and not what you think someone wants to hear
Appreciate the wisdom of your parents and elders
Appreciate the present moment rather than focusing on the future or the past
Everything always works out
The power of saving money and compound interest
There’s value in being patient rather than rushing through things
Enjoy your present company and the relationships you have
It’s okay to be sensitive
Empathic capabilities
How to handle conflict
Not to be fearful. To try
To trust internal wisdom
Fiscal responsibility
Confidence
Include yourself on your list of people you love
A grateful heart
Courage to go for your dreams
Courage to accept when you don’t achieve your dreams
Follow your bliss and enjoy life
There are no stupid questions
Trust your instincts

And more wishes here.

The Morning Rush

2006-12-18T17:44:00.000-08:00

From a parent:

Every morning seemed to be a rush, despite waking up an hour before school. I read part of “Positive Discipline” and some of “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk ” and realized that despite my child being a slow eater and lollygagger (like most kids), I was part of the problem too. So, we did two things. I asked my child to help make a “plan” for the mornings and evenings (to facilitate bed without struggle too). He decided the order of things—wake up, jammies off, clothes on, brush teeth, and only then go downstairs. First thing we did when we got downstairs was to eat breakfast. We decided that if he ate breakfast and there was time, he could play or watch a video until it was time for school. AND, probably even more importantly, I started to get up earlier so I was ready when he woke up. The next day, and since, it has worked well. And usually we don’t have time to play. But it seems that just being involved in making the plan has empowered my child to do what he needs to do (and me too!).ided the order of things—wake up, jammies off, clothes on, brush teeth, and only then go downstairs. First thing we did when we got downstairs was to eat breakfast. We decided that if he ate breakfast and there was time, he could play or watch a video until it was time for school. AND, probably even more importantly, I started to get up earlier so I was ready when he woke up. The next day, and since, it has worked well. And usually we don’t have time to play. But it seems that just being involved in making the plan has empowered my child to do what he needs to do (and me too!).

Play Baby Time

2006-12-18T17:41:00.000-08:00

From a Parent:

My younger daughter, age 4, has been asking me to do things she is perfectly capable of doing herself, such as demanding that I put on her shoes, that she sit on my lap at meals, that I carry her places, that I wipe her bottom when she poops. She told me she knows she is 4 but 4 isn't really very big and so she is still really a baby.

So, Play Baby Time was created. I told her that I wanted to pretend she was a baby and would do all the things a mom does with a baby, but not always. I asked her to pick a day of the week when we would have PBT, expecting her to say "All of them". However, she chose only one. I then asked her how long PBT should last. Her 6.5 year old sister suggested 3 hours and fortunately my "baby" thought that 1 hour would be fine. So, we now have PBT on Wednesdays from 6-7pm. During that hour, I feed her, let her sit on my lap, and do whatever else she thinks a baby should get. During much of the hour, she forgets and does things for herself, though I do make a point of reminding her that this is her time to be a baby if she wants.

The best part of PBT is the rest of the week. The other day, we were in a rush and I started to put her shoes and socks on. She said, "Mom, are we in Play Baby Time now?" "Oh my goodness," I said. "I made a mistake. It's not PBT until Wednesday! Well, you got a free sock there." She laughed and put her other sock and shoes on. No demands for me to do things she can do herself. If they arise, I plan to say, "Let's write that down for the next PBT."

Out of PBT has come a request, from both my daughters, for "Play Grownup Time". The girls would like to pretend to be adults, which in their eyes means drinking "coffee" or "wine", "driving" the car in the garage, working on the computer, and talking on the phone. We will iron out the details at our next Family Meeting. Maybe they'd like to pay a few bills while they are at it!

Speaking the IM Language

2006-11-12T19:18:00.000-08:00

From Salt and Light:

What 2 do a/b IM-Spk

We all know that many of our students spend hours upon hours of time chatting with friends on the Internet. This new form of communication has brought with it a wealth of abbreviations and modified spellings to make online chatting quicker and easier. Well, what happens when our students’ papers and essays are riddled with the same “2 b’s” and “4’s” instead of correct standard English spellings “to be” and “for”?

I think the first step is to maintain a perspective that rejoices in the fact that our students are spending so much time writing in that mode of communication. Rather than simply marking their abbreviations and misspellings as incorrect and moving on, we need to encouragingly teach and remind our students that they must consider the audience and the purpose of the writing. Often the abbreviations and modified spellings are so familiar and commonplace to students that they don’t even realize they are inappropriate in academic writing. Thus, as technology and the field of English Language Arts continues to change and evolve, we must take on the new responsibility of teaching our students the differences between Internet-speak and academic writing rather than scorning their occasional misspellings. Hey, they are writing aren’t they!?

Core Skills Necessary for Healthy Development

2006-10-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

Jack/Zen on Meta-Skills:

These are core skills we have by age 8 on which all other skills are developed and engaged. The list:
Presence - Seeing things as they are
Intention - Being clear on what attracts us
Inquiry - Curiosity & research
Imagination - Creating new possibilities
Transparency - Telling our story honestly
Timing - Doing the right things at the right time
Learning - Discovering distinctions and patterns
Delight - Enjoying what we enjoy.
An education process would create the space for the development of these 8 core meta-skills.

Stop Means Stop Friendship Group

2006-10-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

From a Kindergarten teacher's newsletter regarding our friendship group
this week:

This week Ashley talked about the
importance of “Stop means stop.” When someone tells you to stop doing a
behavior, you need to stop right away. We practiced this with a role
play. We also talked about courage. A child in our class gave the
definition of courage as, “Doing something that is hard to do.”
Sometimes it takes courage to tell someone to stop, especially when you
are friends with that person.

Obviously there is
more to this learning activity... hopefully to be written about later.

Creativity, Education, Intrinsic Strengths, Innate Curiosity and Play

2006-10-14T13:37:00.000-07:00

Some educational and parenting resources for you:

A MUST see, hysterical and insightful TEDtalk with Sir Ken Robinson

Sir Ken Robinson is author of Out of Our Minds: Learning to be Creative, and a leading expert on innovation and human resources. In this talk, he makes an entertaining (and profoundly moving) case for creating an education system that nurtures creativity, rather than undermining it. (Recorded February, 2006 in Monterey, CA.)

Thank you Christoph for directing me to this talk.

An interesting NY Times article, So the Torah is a Parenting Guide?

“Indulged, coddled, pressured and micromanaged on the outside, my young patients appeared to be inadvertently deprived of the opportunity to develop an inside,” she writes in her book. “They lack the secure, reliable, welcoming internal structure that we call the ‘self.”’ ...

There is a Hasidic saying that Mogel quotes, “If your child has a talent to be a baker, don’t ask him to be a doctor.” By definition, most children cannot be at the top of the class; value their talents in whatever realm you find them. “When we ignore a child’s intrinsic strengths in an effort to push him toward our notion of extraordinary achievement, we are undermining God’s plan,” Mogel writes.

Which leads me to aPsychology Today article on the Sudbury Valley School

At Sudbury Valley School, there's no other way to learn. The 38-year-old day facility in Framingham, Massachusetts, is founded on what comes down to a belief about human nature—that children have an innate curiosity to learn and a drive to become effective, independent human beings, no matter how many times they try and fail. And it's the job of adults to expose them to models and information, answer questions—then get out of the way without trampling motivation. ...

Play—it's by definition absorbing. The outcome is always uncertain. Play makes children nimble—neurobiologically, mentally, behaviorally—capable of adapting to a rapidly evolving world. That makes it just about the best preparation for life in the 21st century. Psychologists believe that play cajoles people toward their human potential because it preserves all the possibilities nervous systems tend to otherwise prune away. It's no accident that all of the predicaments of play—the challenges, the dares, the races and chases—model the struggle for survival. Think of play as the future with sneakers on.

Educating for Wholeness in a School Community

2006-10-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

My basic intention is to deepen awareness around social and emotional development, opening space for the community to weave together their human resources, connecting with and learning from one another and deepening their capacity to see the world through a child's (or another person's) eyes and look towards solutions for unfolding wholeness. In addition to working individually with people, I am facilitating groups for students, staff and parents. An underlying goal is to invite more relating into the process of problem solving. A central focus of the groups is an invitation to share the wisdom and experience that each person has.

We open space for intimate conversations about what is happening with their children, students or selves and exploration into how we may learn from what we are noticing and discovering. Individuals begin to recognize the 'normal' and 'common' struggles they each have. It's wonderful to feel their excitement at being able to connect with one another around these topics.

One of my goals is to see if I can help inspire a culture where parents meet at each another's homes hosting their own support and practice groups.

This website will contain various resources that I am using that touch on supporting and facilitating social and emotional development with students, staff, parents.

Classroom Volunteers Workshop

2006-10-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

I offered a 1 1/2 hour workshop for parents who wish to volunteer in the classroom. Some grades made this a mandatory workshop while it was optional for others. I held mutliple day time and eveneing sessions giving parents ample opportunities to come and allowing for smaller numbers in attendence which opened for more intimate conversations. You can download the outline for the entire session as well as the handout which focuses on the differences between praise and encouragement and other empowering communication tools.

What do friends do?

2006-10-01T20:59:00.000-07:00

In a previous class, students drew a picture of friends doing something after learning skills for active listening. This lesson begins by asking the students what they can remember about being an active listener. Once most of the important points have been named, invite them to practice active listening again today while we share our pictures from last week.

Students who wish can share their drawing of friends doing something. Create a list of things that friends like to do. This list can be a resource for children who are looking for something to do, especially at recess. It can even be made into a wheel that is labeled with ideas for things to do that children can turn to when in need. While the students are sharing their art work, the other children are practicing active listening. If students forget, remind them that we are practing active listening and inquire about one thing that you do when you are actively listening.

If there is extra time the students can color in the drawings they made.

One class asked if the drawings can be made into a book... We'll explore that more when they share their drawings next week.

Talking to a Neighbor, Talking to Your Child

2006-09-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

Idea from one of Marshall Rosenberg's books.

Invite a group of parents to split into two groups. Explain to each group separately that they are involved in a difficult situation such as another person lying to them, someone taking something of theres or someone being disrespectful in some way. The group is to write out a possible dialogue between themselves (the group acting as an individual) and the other person. Group 1 is told that the other person is their neighbor, Group 2 is told that the other person is their child. Compare the two different dialogues.

Question for exploration: What is your 'job' as a parent?

Importance of Self-Care for Parents and Caregivers

2006-09-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

David D, a nurse consultant specializing in suicide and self harm, shares about his practice for processing the extreme situations that he engages at work:

My wife and I both often come home straight from some hospital trauma, have done throughout the more than two decades we've had kids. We've always made straight for each other like homing missiles and encouraged each other to unload, and the kids fully expect us to be standing or sitting together quietly rambling on for a while...! Then, romping around with the kids and the dog for a while and being as childlike as possible myself is great for switching my brain into different mode. Also, I tend to jump into trainers and go for a run, dive into the gross physical for a while, breathe fresh air and generate some endorphins. Its also made daily spiritual practice compulsory rather than an option I can drop.... Hey, occupational trauma can have lots of benefits, come to think of it.....

In parenting groups we talk at length about self-care and how we can't give to others what we don't give to ourselves. Often parents' highest wishes and intentions are to be present for, nourishing and supporting their children. And yet if the emotional tank is empty in relation to oneself, it is not possible to genuinely be deeply emotionally present for another. David's post gives concrete examples of ways to refresh and replenish

Make contact with other humans and release excess emotional content
Model for children the necessity of this process (self-care) and create routines where children can expect this to be the norm
Get active and step into experiencing life that is happening now -- with the kids, the dog, the fresh air, etc.
Play, be childlike
Recognize what is essential for sustaining such degrees of information input (i.e. spiritual practice becoming compulsory)

David also says that he appreciates this work because:

It s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s me until I end and widens the horizons of being beyond any notion of me.

mmmmm...now that's what living is all about, eh?

Friends Doing Something

2006-09-25T10:55:00.000-07:00

After the Active Listening lesson, the students return to their tables to draw a picture with just pencil of friends doing something. As they finish the teacher writes on the back (for a class with Kindergartners) what the friends are doing. Next week, to practice Active Listening, the students who wish will present their pictures to the class and follow the discussion that unfolds.

Modeling Active Listening and Not Interrupting

2006-09-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

Lesson from Teaching Children to Care by Ruth Sidney Charney. What follows is a slightly modified quote found on page 109-111

Demonstrating

"I am going to demonstrate [active] listening, so imagine that Ms. Jones is sharing a story at meeting time and I am a good listener. Watch me." (Ms. Jones is the assistant teacher and has been recruited for this modeling.) Ms. Jones begins to tell about their trip to the museum. I sit still, facing her, and when she finishes, I raise my hand and ask a question.

Noticing

After Ms. Jones answers my question, I ask the class, "What did you notice I did as a [active] listener?"

You looked at Ms. Jones

You didn't fidget or anything

Yes. I kept my body still.

You raised your hand.

When?

You waited until she was done to raise your hand.

You asked a question

Summarizing and Reminding

I summarize and remind students of the discussion that just took place. "[Active] listeners are still, look at the speaker, and raise their hands with a question after the speaker is finished. Remind me, what's one thing you do when you listen? Who else remembers something?

Have students demonstrate

Now it's a student's turn to demonstrate. "Who thinks they can show us how to be an [active] listener?" I ask. (I may reset the stage with anew speaker or use the same exact setup as before.)

Repeat Noticing

I then ask the class for responses to the student's demonstration. I might ask, "What was one thing you noticed that showed Alisha was listening?" or "Who noticed something Alisha said that showed she listened?" To stretch children's observation skills, I ask, "Who noticed one more thing Alisha did to show she was listening carefully?"

Everyone Practices

The lesson isn't complete until everyone has a chance to practice the behavior. In this case, it is easy to have everyone practice listening in the circle. Sometimes the behavior is practiced later, in the context of the day.

Paradoxical modeling

After children 'get' the appropriate behaviors, it may be effective to model how not to do the behaviors, using real examples we've seen from the class. I never cite names or make fun of individuals, but when I model what is clearly them, they are amused and know that I've been watching. I might use examples like the following:

"Is this [active] listening? Why not?" (I model rapt concentration on my shoelaces.)

"Is this [active] listening?" (I wave my hand madly through the presentation.)

"Is this [active] listening?" (I send hand signals across the room to a friend.)

"Is this [active] listening?" (I ask a question that the speaker has already answered.)

Ideas for Lessons of Exploration

2006-09-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of ideas for social and emotional lessons that have emerged from reading such resources as Teaching Children to Care by Ruth Sidney Charney, Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson, Teaching Children Compassionately: How Students and Teachers Can Succeed with Mutual Understanding by Marshall Rosenberg, attending a workshop with educators and the Dalai Lama, and other ideas that just pass my way.

Being a good listener
What is power? Exploring power to assert oneself in a positive way. Students share times when adults have power over them. Brainstorm a school where students have power over adults. How would it feel to be a student in the classroom? How would it feel to be a teacher? What would it be like if power was shared and there was respect in the school What would the teachers do? What would the students do?
How to enter a new group
Choosing an activity, something you want to be doing
What are our inner thoughts and beliefs?
"Being the boss" of your own body. Staying parked in your spot. Keeping you hands only on yourself. Listening
Raising your hand and keeping your hand in your lap when another is talking.
Getting help from peers
Learning how to invite people to join a game
Learning what to say if someone wants to join a game
Learning how to share 1 box of crayons or 3 pairs of scissors with 8 children
Using kind language
What words feel like and sound like to others
Asking questions
Solving problems together
Having fun and enjoying jokes without teasing
Learning expectations for behaviors during class
What do you hope to do and learn this year?
Draw what it would look like if your hopes came true.
Visual dialogue -- communicating with lines and shapes. No words or letters. Each person is a different color.
How good questions can expand and deepen an interaction -- Tell the first part of a story and have kids write questions for it to continue
What can you do if you see someone making fun of someone else?
What if you don't understand what a teacher means but everyone else in the class seems to understand. Do you fake it? Ask a question?
What do you most want to work on this year in school?
What is most important to you?
Parents: What do you most want your child to achieve this year?
Teachers: Name a unique, verifiable area of growth for each child.
Thinking of and sharing what you would like to be complimented for.
Role playing guidelines -- exaggerate and have fun. A role play where the person who has a problem plays the person with whom they have the problem
Asking students what they wonder about. Asking teachers and parents what they wonder about.
Feeling the emotional mood of a room
Good friends that don't always want to be together -- how to say tactfully that I want to be by myself or to play with others today.
Tone of voice for wanting to play or having a good idea.
Saying "I like it and it's good for me" in group decision
Exploring welcoming, greeting, hosting
In a class meeting, share a mistake you made and what you learned from it.
How to plan ahead
Recognizing emotions
Helping to control arousal
Helping to put into words inner life
Standing up for things that you think are unfair and cruel. If you don't stand up for it, you're condoning it. Having the courage to say and do whatever is needed to make things fair.
Social responsibility
Forgiveness -- What is forgiveness? How difficult it is to forgive. Why is it sometimes difficult to forgive? How when we forgive it decreases our own burden.

Inquiring into Purpose

2006-09-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

How could this blog serve?

May this space be used as a foundation upon which explorations into educating the heart unfold.